an exercise on: self truths.

• i  love the glee cast soundtrack. and belting out along with the songs.

• i love wearing scrubs, a broken in tshirt, and my hair in a ponytail, no makeup.

• i will put my gmail status on “invisible”  more often than not because i just feel like hiding out; plus it doesn’t hurt so much when someone you want to talk to you doesn’t…because to them, you’re not there. maybe i never really was.

• i update my facebook status for a reason; whether it be something meaningful to me, or something i want someone to know. there is always a reason.

• i have no qualms telling a man when he’s out of line, and is making me feel uncomfortable with his flirty banter. i talk a lot of game, but when it comes to actual toeing of the risque line, i’m kinda a prude. sorry.

• i really love getting a manicure. it makes me feel better. and i don’t care how superficial that sounds.

• i ask about how my dog is doing before i ask about how my father is doing. and don’t feel guilty about it.

• i don’t know a lot of the new bloggers out there. because quite frankly, the idea of commenting and building relationships is daunting.

• i think more often than not the state of how clean my room is often reflects the state of my mind at that particular moment in time.

• i hate that i’m not on top of my game when it comes to sending out birthday cards/notes/presents/greeting cards on time like i USED to be.

• i’m completely and totally obsessed with this product. like, definitely application of it at least 4 times a day because its results and smell is just so damn DIVINE.

• i’ve become more cynical due to my own internal self doubts. i don’t know if it’s the constant hurt and emotional beatings i’ve taken, but the overflow of “zomg we just bought a house/getting married/having a BABY” influx on my facebook newsfeed as of late can, and has, sent me straight to the vodka bottle. espescially when they are of people who are YOUNGER than I am.

• i have no patience for people who are passive aggressive, fake, or not honest about their real intentions of their place they try to take in my life.

• i think i’ve finally gotten to a point in my life where i’ve become a little hardened–not a lot, but just enough for me to notice. and that terrifies me.

• i’m a lot more sensitive when it comes to remarks about my current place on my life path.

• it really chaps my ass when someone tries to argue with me about my values and beliefs i hold. i don’t try and get all up in your shit. have some decency and agree to disagree. and sit the fuck down and shut the hell up.

• in a drunk dial search of my phone i found myself going “married, engaged, can’t call, NO, NO, has a child, absolutely CANNOT call, married.” it was depressing. it also made me realize i need to do a major overhaul of my cellphone address book.

• i really, really, really love the movie a lot like love.

• if you’re one of my best friends, you should know just how insensitive the comment that “i should ‘just get over it’ that i’m not even close to being settled down.” really? that hurt. a lot.

• i like citrus flavors such as orange and lemon. that never used to be the case.

• i have not tanned and/or been in the sun (real or artificial) since this summer. never in my life have i EVER been this pale.

• i tear up at mass when the beauty of the song and orchestra is just too much for me to internalize.

• i have the mouth of a sailor. and i need to knock it off. but honestly? everyone has their vices. and for me, it’s a stress reliever. no chocolate, or cigarettes, or endless running on the treadmill here. a nice, loud, “FUCK MY LIFE” does just fine, thanks.

• i’ve been dreaming a lot more recently. and that has never, ever, ever been the case.

• i wish my parents would believe me that i’m fine, and handling the recent changes in my life well, all things considering.

What have you recently become more aware of, about yourself?

 

::you’re gonna make it after all::

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Why, Miss BB of course.

Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

BB, daughter, friend, nurse, woman, extraordinaire

Well it’s you girl, and you should know it

Good thing I do!

With each glance and every little movement you show it

I try. I really, really try.

Love is all around, no need to waste it

No truer words have ever been spoken. Goodbye men that I’m wasting it on.

You can have a town, why don’t you take it

Oh don’t worry, I’m taking this place by storm. And the next town I go to? When I get my big-girl job? Yeah, I’m gonna take it there too.

You’re gonna make it after all.

I hope so.

You’re gonna make it after all

I know so.

How will you make it on your own?

With the inner strength I’ve had to call on before. I can do this.

This world is awfully big, girl this time you’re all alone

It’s true, I am. But that’s okay. I can handle that.

But it’s time you started living

I couldn’t agree more.

It’s time you let someone else do some giving

Because you’ve given a lot. It’s time you let someone else do the giving.

Love is all around, no need to waste it

No truer words have ever been spoken. Goodbye men that I’m wasting it on.

You can have a town, why don’t you take it

Oh don’t worry, I’m taking this place by storm. And the next town I go to? When I get my big-girl job? Yeah, I’m gonna take it there too.

You’re gonna make it after all.

I hope so.

You’re gonna make it after all

I know so.

Yes, this post brought to you by the Mary Tyler Moore theme song.

I woke up this morning feeling good. Really, really good. Why? Because I’m taking charge of my life. One thing at a time. I’ve made the decision to let Guy go. It’s not the way I want to be treated, and hell, there were things about him that I made excuses for, and tried to make him into the perfect guy for me. He’s not. And if we are meant for each other? Then really? He should be investing more. And he’s not.  Next!

I made the decision to no longer take the new “pill” I’m on. It has reduced me into a crying, blubbering, hormonal mess. Also a 10lb heavier crying, blubbering, hormonal mess. Not to mention, the whole reason I switched over, is not being fixed. At all. So basically, I’ve gotten all these FAB side effects, for NOTHING. So.  I’m taking matters into my own hands. No more that kinda pill. Going to meet with my doctor today. Taking a hormone holiday (because OH WAIT, guess who won’t be getting any that she has to worry about that! THIS girl!), and going back on my old pill. It was good for me. And clearly, the issues I’ve been having these past two months are the same as what was happening before…SO, the problem is not in the strength of the pill, folks. Can’t wait for future doctor’s appointments to figure that one out!

I’ve gotten my schoolwork in line, made a study plan, and am currently finishing up my resume. Also made an appointment with the Nursing career services person to take my Journalism resume, and figure out how to make it into a bombass Nursing resume. HA HA HA. She’s a lucky person who gets to deal with me!

All in all, I’m going to figure this out.

I’m going to make it after all.

 

update.

1. Currently in a fight with my rental company as they say they never received my check. Good thing I have the scanned and cleared copy of it via online banking! SO help my God, I do not need the stress of them threatening to evict us when CLEARLY THEY CASHED MY GODDAMN CLEARED CHECK.

2. Have not spoken to Guy since last Tuesday, where we had a pleasant conversation. I don’t understand it. So, clearly my jinxing of everything is running smoothly. I just. don’t f*king get it. Although, to be fair, he is so not my type and what I like to call “hybrid hippie.” Read: total Phish head, has a beard, and is the ski-bum type/can don the madras pants at the country club with his wealthy fam when he’s taking  a break from Law school. Upon seeing a picture of him and hearing about us, my “pseudo big bro” said to me: “Barbie. You are not going to marry the hippie. Let’s be honest. You know you’re going to end up with a doctor, right? (Psuedo-big-bro is a doctor. He is also the brother-in-law to my best friend from college.) He? Is so not your type. At all. This? This is a phase.” Awesome.

3. Still all bent out of shape about #2; mainly because I don’t know WTF is going on. Dude, just say something. In this case, no news is not good news. Just be straight with me. You’re a straight shooter type guy. So this cowardly behavior of NOT talking to me and saying you’re just not feeling it? Yeah, not working. I can only hope I’m being a total girl and being all obsessive over this shit, but my gut says that no, no I am not. And I shouldn’t have to make excuses for him. If a man is thinking of you, or wants to talk to you (especially the point we’re at) he should be contacting you. I wouldn’t put up with it if my friends were dealing with this, and I sure as hell shouldn’t be putting up with it now. That said, trying to figure out how to handle the situation. THOUGHTS, interwebs?

4. Lots to update on my grandma. Long story short, she was hospitalized two weekends ago (hence last week being so hellish), and after a rollercoaster of having to “call the family, this is it,” she somehow managed to rally. However, mi madre finally broke down and realized gma needs to be in a nursing home. Which she’s been in since Thursday.

5. My mom believes this to be temporary. I got into a huge fight with her about this.

6. My mom took her home yesterday for 2 hours. Realized that she could not lift the dead weight of my grandmother, even with the help of my father. I believe she still doesn’t want to admit that I, am right. And that she has done ALL SHE POSSIBLY CAN, and cannot give her the level of 24 hour care she needs. We shall see how this turns out. Magic 8 Ball says: Outlook not good.

7. After doing terrible on an exam last week (thanks in part to the family drama), I rallied and got an A on my Pharmacology exam. Barbie knows her drugs, biatch.

8. Things have to get worse, before the get better, right? Awesome. Now, onto that whole getting better part.

 

universe, you win. again.

This has been a spectacularly shitty week.

Immediately after posting about Guy shit went downhill. Well, not really. Things just aren’t happening. Because of oh, schedules that are in total discord, and that whole he’s NOT MY BF so therefore he doesn’t have to call/text me a bajillion times a day. And I have expectations and am all busy being a total girl up in my brain. And am a planner, and oh HI guys aren’t really known for working out schedules six weeks in advance trying to figure out how you can spend the most time together because of X,Y, and Z commitments.

So last night after a terrible mental WTF moment, and after a really long day and  really bad testing experience (cardiology/pulmonary ICU exam, I’m looking at YOU), I took an Ambien and went to bed.

And I totally didn’t chase it with a glass of wine. Because my Pharm prof would probably be less than pleased. So no, I definitely didn’t do that. I don’t know what you speak of .

All that said, which I haven’t written about include major issues with grandma’s health, family craziness to boot, and one ROGUE NON-BF to help my sanity, have been front and center. And oh yeah, that whole trying not to fail out of nursing school thing. Pshaw.

Sidenote: this stream of consciousness post is really helping me make a case for myself that I’m dealing well with everything.

So, yeah. I’m going into shut-down mode for self preservation sake.

I’m going to retreat into little Barbie world. So I don’t end up locking myself up in a padded room.

When I collect myself I’ll be sure to tell you about phenomenal weekend with THIS lovely, amazing woman. And also, how immediately sending the text to my bff for life, “please tell me that someone will love me again someday. And I won’t be lonely forever.” The Dr. called and was very interested to hear how things are going, and where I’m going to end up after graduation, and oh, let it be known his three choices for Fellowship, and where he will most likely be, and oh,” {redacted} and {redacted}…perhaps those might be ofinterest to me and should add them to the list and I should visit {redacted} where he’s at as I’ve never been to see if I like it.”

::cue doubletake::

I’m sure your head is swimming after reading this clusterfuck of a post and to that I say, WELCOME TO MY BRAIN RIGHT NOW.

Aaaand FIN.

 

 

oh, baby.

It’s official.

The men in two of the three SUPER SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS I had (which helped form my outlook and expectations on love in my life), now have little ones.

The one that got away had his baby girl (of the babyname stealing variety), this past August. And now, the one who has honored his word of “girl/boyfriends may come and go, but friends are forever. You, will always be a forever friend, no matter what,” welcomed a bouncing baby boy into the world yesterday. I’m truly happy for him. He is going to make one hell of an amazing father.

Also warming my heart? Upon wishing him congrats to him and his wife, he thanked me using his special nickname for me.

I guess it is true.

Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go…but friendships can last forever. I’m blessed that we’ve made that bridge.

 

 

giving up…for you.

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there’s always cups in the sink?
What if I’m not what you think I am?
What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?
I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glassess and
I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up.
What if our baby comes home after nine?
What it your eyes close before mine?
What if you lose yourself sometimes? Then I’ll be the one to find you
Safe in my heart.
I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glassess and
I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up.
I am giving up.
I am giving up.
I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up for you.
I am giving up for you.
I am giving up

 

I’m probably going to kick myself for writing this. In fact, I’m probably going to look back on this post say: ” you stupid dumbshit. Why, why, WHY did you write and jinx yourself. You know better, you stupid, stupid girl.”

Let’s hope that doesn’t happen.

So, we know ’round these parts, the men tend to come and go, and then come around again, and then go back into the cracks of the woodwork, and then presently crawl out again only to make a vicious cycle that makes for an entertaining blog doth BB have.

So, I kinda wrote about this guy in a post not too long ago. In fact, I haven’t named him, because well, I just haven’t. So, we’re calling him Guy for now. And now you get to the hear the story, because it’s warranted, and this blog helps me to document the things going on in my life, and well, he’s a big part of my life right now.

So, Guy.

We met back in May, the very first weekend I went out with my new roomies. He just so happened to be friends with my roomie’s friend from high school, who we were going out with. Guy and roomie’s old HS friend go to Law school together. Met Guy, thought he was hilariously sarcastic, and thought hmm he’s pretty cool dude. But, I wasn’t like OMG MUST DATE HIM. We became facebook friends, and time passed. Apparently, he went abroad this past summer to Rome, and returned in September. I only found this out, over the weekend that was epic, and I decided to call him to help me get back into my locked out apartment at 3am. (Yes, please note we had not spoken since May. Nor, was there ANY REASON ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH that I should have called him, because there was a) nothing he could do and b) did I mention I hadn’t spoken to him since May? but, since I was working on drunk logic, and figured since he was also a friend of roomie who was passed out IN the apt, he might be able to call her and help wake her up. Yeah, I know. Drunk Barbie logic wins EVERY TIME.

Anyway, that weekend was the start of everything. From that weekend forward, I can safely say we have spent every weekend together, unless I was home on vacation, or he was out of town for various reasons. There have been Phillies games, house parties, dinner and drinks, and constant communication.

So. We all know how Barbie deals with COMMITMENT, and OMG, MURKY. Clearly, if you don’t know, just look at the huge file drawer marked “ISSUES” and you can read up. So, after a reallly long story and drama that happened over Halloween despite the fact he was ACROSS THE COUNTRY, because thanks to a fellow law student friend who is apparently crazy, and, oh, has feelings/history with Guy, a lot was brought to light Wednesday night.

As in, we sort of had “the talk.” This, after he told me the complete crazy lawgirl story, bluntly, and honestly, and genuinely apologized for me having been put in a less than stellar situation (which, at that point I was totally CLUELESS about.) ( It was awesome.)

So, the talk. DEEP BREATHS.

Let me preface this by saying Guy is an intensely private person. When you meet him he appears to be the jovial life of the party, but when it comes down to it, what’s happening in his life, mind, and heart are kept up under lock and key. (Oh, we in BB land know nothing about this way of dealing with feelings, HA. HA. HA.) Over the past month, we have slowly started opening up to each other. I also know he has a really hard time with changes, and needs to ease into things on his own time that’s different than most. This has been shown in other circumstances, but I’m not about to go into that on here. Because those private conversations are ones that I hold near and dear to my heart, that he’s only shared with me.

Now, Slowly, he has shared things with me, that I’m 99% sure others do not know. And I, have SLOWLY started opening myself up to him as well. (I know, you can pick yourself up off hte floor y’all.) Slowly. And yes, I realize this sounds like a total disaster in the making, two people who have vulnerability/relationship issues trying to make it work, but hey. Let’s hope this train doesn’t derail.

Anyway. After the whole story/apology, it kinda sorta led into “the talk.”  Where, after a lot of bluntness and honesty and open communication, this is apparently where we’re at:

We’re dating.  We’re not BF/GF, yet. He isn’t dating anyone else, nor WILL date anyone else while we are together, because he’s not like that. He doesn’t like the idea of me being with other people, but isn’t going to tell me not to, but really doesn’t like the idea. (Mental note to self: sorry sorry sorry for having those multiple dinner dates with oh, at least 5 different men over this past month and half. OOPS.)

He sees a future with me, but everytime he rushes into things, it falls apart. And doesn’t want this to happen with me. Because he wants this to be it. But that scares him (me too, no shit.) and this is a big change for him as he hasn’t had a serious relationship in awhile, and it ended badly. (HMMM SOUND FAMILIAR?!)

But, he wants to work at this.

He wants to figure things out with me.

He wants me, in all my perfectly unperfect glory. I’m okay with this, because as we know, I tend to rush into things only to fall flat on my face. I was also happy that he understood that this whole “taking it slowly nonboyfriend-boyfriend state” isn’t one that I’m going to put up with for months and months and months, and he completely agreed with me on that point.

So, we’re taking it slowly, and going to figure things out, one day at a time.

That said, I want this to work.

I want this to work, and I know it won’t if I have many other men on the backburner. Because you can’t really focus on one, if you have so many others in the wings.

So I’m trying something different.

I’m giving up. I’m going to try this. Try taking it slow, try beoing this whole dating one man thing, and putting the other relation-shits to rest. Because I need to focus on this one. This one…this one gets my attention now. My full attention.

Because he deserves it, and is doing the same for me.

Guy, I want you to know, that I’m giving up on making passes. I’m giving up on half empty glasses. And I’m giving up on greener grasses.

I’m giving up…for you.

 

i have become obsessed with nursing blogs.

This post pretty much sums up why this blog in particular, is my favorite.

 

open letters: things i need to say to myself edition.

dear drunk barbie,

hi there. it’s your other half here. you know, the more sober one. we need to talk, dollface. but first? please put that bag of salt and vinegar chips down. you ass is already big. good girl. no, no, no. PUT DOWN THE PIZZA AND RANCH DRESSING. focus. k. good. so, i know its halloween and all. and you’re dressed up like a naughty po-po officer. and you look good, you really do. but i’m thinking it might be a good time to assess your behavior tonight. so, let’s review. calling everyone in your phone at 2.45am? NOT A GOOD DECISION. having multiple conversations you will not remember? also not probably the most stellar of ideas. (except that one with the fabulous bXY. he’s a hottie, that one. you can keep him around.) those are really the major ones, love. but in addition to those? please remember the following: (1) crowded bars on halloween are not the place to have heart to hearts; (2) it’s entirely okay to cut yourself off  from the bar. you’re 26 now, and can no longer drink a frat boy under the table like you used to. sorry babycakes; (3) again, you’re 26. not a drunken frat boy. you really didn’t need to steal that umbrella from the table, even though (in your defense) it DID look lonely sitting there all by itself.

so, keep those things in mind, and we’ll be good. now, get yourself some gatorade and advil, and take off that eye makeup. you look like hell. now PUT DOWN THE DAMN SALT AND VINEGAR CHIPS, and get some sleep.

kisses,

sober barbie

/…..

 

dear barbie,

so, i know it’s been awhile since you’ve been to mass. in fact, i believe it was ash wednesday to be exact. then gain, i know you’re busy and all saving lives with your nursing eyes and healing hands. however, whenever its sunday night? and you don’t take the opportunity to go to mass? i’d like you to remember the  experience you had tonight. and what one could call divine intervention.

i know the relationship we have with our grandma is one that is intensely special to us. and also, the fact that you are reminded of grandpa everytime you go to church, isn’t easy for you to deal with. i know how you hate feeling like a fool breaking down crying usually in the middle of mass when something triggers your emotions. but that’s a good thing, honey. just like tonight. it being “all saints day,” and all. the service tonight really was beautiful, and i, too, really liked the fact they had a special remembrance of people that passed away this past year, in honor of tomorrow, “all souls day.”  so when they turned off all the lights, and lit that sole candle on the altar? and the choir with voices of angels and the orchestra’s acoustics that bounced off the walls perfectly so, rang out in the church? and seeing a slideshow of photographs of people who passed away over the year who were somehow a part of a member in the congregation’s life, were illuminated on the wall of the round cathedral ceiling? that was pretty emotional.

i know you were happy that you were leaning against the wall, in a corner where people really couldn’t see you because it was standing room only. and i know that you didn’t mean to break down crying multiple times. but it’s okay, honey. you have a good heart, and i know that part of the service really impacted you. i’m proud of you for realizing that life is oh so fragile…and a precious gift that we have for only a fleeting moment.

i know it made you stop and think about grandma. and how much her health has deteriorated. and how, she doesn’t even know who you are anymore. i know it was hard for you to see that precious picture of the little girl who was bald, and apparently lost her battle to cancer. it was a lot to take in, bb. but it was for the best. and i’m so glad we were able to have that emotional experience.

hang in there, and don’t forget to say your prayers tonight. although, i know that after your attendance to this particular mass, i don’t need to remind you.

blessings,

your conscious

/….

 

dear commitment issues barbie,

get over it. seriously. get. over. it.

we heal.

love,

your heart

/….

 

what would you write in a letter to yourself, today?

 

avoid! avoid!

I didn’t write this, but after stumbling across it, and reading through? I realized I have dated entirely toooo many dudes on this list.

Good thing I’ve learned from my mistakes! (Har-dee-har-har.)

I definitely don’t agree with some of them, then again, others I do…so it’s a toss up. BUT, found it interesting nonetheless. Thoughts?

(And yes, the bolded ones are dudes I’ve dated.) Clearly why I am still single at 26.

Enjoy.

/…

“The Girl’s Guide to Holiday Romance”

1. Avoid any man who uses emoticons. He is not straight.
2. Avoid men who claim to have ski homes. They are using this as a front for all of the weekends when they don’t want to hang out with you.
3. Avoid any man who reads Perez Hilton. He’s yappier than a yorkie on a tight leash.
4. Avoid any man who uses hair gel. There will be other sticky situations on your hands in time – you don’t want to start with the hair.
5. Avoid any man who doesn’t cry. He’s three weeks away from a mental breakdown.
6. Avoid any man who thinks girls don’t poop. He’ll be shocked when you are, in fact, a real human.
7. Avoid any man who won’t help you carry heavy things. He has no purpose.
8. Avoid any man who expects sexual gratification after even a drink. He hasn’t gotten laid in months.
9 . Avoid any man who is over 6′5″. Too much human.
10. Avoid any man who only wears skinny black jeans. In spite of the masses in skinny black jeans, he thinks he is unique. The self-delusion does not bode well.
11. Avoid men in pointy shoes. On a date, two people with sore feet is one person too many.
12. Avoid any man who is or was a college athlete. He thinks he is The Sun God.
13. Avoid any man who tells you when he is going to kiss you. He is insecure and you will pay for it.
14. Avoid any man who buys you a charm for a necklace, but no chain. He can’t do anything right.
15. Avoid any man who has ever spent time with a woman who excessively self-tans. The chemicals have gone to his head.
16. Avoid any man that watches what he eats more than you do. You will have no one to eat steak with because he will only take you to salad and sushi places.
17. Avoid any man who still has floppy, curly hair over the age of 22. He sleeps in He-Man pajamas.
18. Avoid any man who claims his last break up with amicable. He is a liar.
19. Avoid any man who is an insomniac. The crazy late-night emails will get old fast.
20. Avoid any man who drives a flashy car. Not for compensation reasons – though they may be true – but because he isn’t going to let you drive it. Accept that now.
21. Avoid any guy whose friends already know details about your life. He picked out your future children’s names before you went on a date.
22. Avoid any self-proclaimed playboys. They probably wear hairgel, anyway.
23. Avoid any man with a tribal armband tattoo. He is a mirage from 1998.
24. Avoid any man who makes an exaggerated point of being Irish. He thinks he is a character from The Departed.
25. Avoid any man who writes music. He doesn’t go outside enough.
26. Avoid any man who gets visibly uncomfortable around children. He has no soul.
27. Avoid any man who hates Sex and the City. He is intimidated by female friendships.
28. Avoid any man who lives in your building. Have you ever seen The Real World?
29. Avoid any man who has a crush on Pam from the Office. He’ll be intimidated if you are a. coherent, or b. not plain.
30. Avoid any man who have gotten into a great school, been offered a great job, or awarded an honor – but then turned it down. He will work this into every conversation you have. It will annoy the shit out of you.
31. Avoid any man who asks you to wear flats. He has a Naploeon complex.
32. Avoid any man who doesn’t think women are funny. He beats puppies.
33. Avoid men who liked 300.
34. Avoid any man who sends testy text messages. He has no balls.
35. Avoid any man who picks up a guitar and sings to you when you are in a room. He doesn’t want a girlfriend, he wants an audience.
36. Avoid any man who has artifacts from his past relationship scattered around his apartment. You don’t want each visit to be like a paleontology dig, wondering what you will discover next.
37. Avoid any man who you describe as “endearing.” He’s weird and you’re lonely.

 

chunkler.

Yep, you read correctly. I’m totally and 100% ripping off the phrase that my favorite west coast diva, d, coined. But hey, imitation is flattery, right? And I’m giving her credit. So, yeah. Back to the topic at hand.

Chunkler, aka, me.

No, really. The universe has decided that I need to be 10lbs heavier than my fighting weight at what I’ve remained for awhile, and can keep at semi-easily. And by semi-easily, I mean the extent of my exercise regimen is lifting bottles of wine to my face, and getting in the occasional walking aerobic activity such as walking to class across campus, or from local bar to bar. Although, the latter usually involves stumbling which is a fantastic source of using extensive muscle coordination so as to not fall off the sidewalk, and, oh, you know, DIE in a gutter because you’ve cracked your head.

But I digress.

The real source of the problem, is mother nature. Men, unless you’re in the medical field or totally attune with your feminine side, you might want to skip this next paragraph.

See, I mentioned that I’ve been having issues with the lady parts for the past couple months. Specifically, Aunt Flo who overstayed her welcome-making her total visit a ridiculous 3 week stay. HELL. HELL. HELL. If you didn’t get that, PURE HELL. So, after many, many visits with my lovely doctor, numerous tests, blood work, and even a hormone holiday so my body could reset itself, she decided to put me on a new pill. One, that has a significantly higher amount of hormones. Because my body needs a higher dosage of hormones to maintain the monthly woman cycle.

Oh, HI HORMONES and WEIGHT GAIN. SO F*CKING NICE TO MEET YOU.

You can ask my roomies, I really don’t eat a lot. In fact, I can pretty much get by on one meal a day, dinner, with some occasional snacking in between. Now? NOW?!

I’m eating myself out of house and home.

I am RAVENOUS. ALL OF THE TIME. So, in addition to this new found hunger and poundage there, my boobs and ass? Have poofed out. Literally. My bras and pants are tight on me. Which, really? Makes me want to fall into a big heap in the middle of my floor and sob. And then devour a bag of reduced fat kettle cooked potato chips, and string cheese because I’m so EXHAUSTED from all of that SOBBING that I need energy to pick myself up off the floor again to try on another pair of jeans that don’t fit, only to repeat the cycle.

My conclusion? Mother nature wants me to be a chunkler. Or, just have my period for three straight weeks.

I’m pretty sure that’s the superficial version of FML right there.

So, if you need me, I’m pretty sure you can either find me cussing out my uterus, stuffing my face, or curled up in my bed sobbing because my clothes don’t fit me anymore. I suppose I could breakdown and go to the gym…but it’s the gym on campus and there’s so many teenyboppers there that are stick-thin. And quite frankly? My chunkles don’t want to be flapping in the breeze next to the size double zero on the treadmill next to me.

Rock? Meet hard place. Hard place? Meet rock.

Le. F*cking. Sigh. Being a woman is SO HARD.