It’s never safe to put me in a car on a long drive, with my iPod on shuffle. We know this.

Really.

It’s just asking for all kinds of memories to be dug up. Happy. Sad. Angry. Euphoric. They run the whooooooole gamut. The memories take over my brain, flitting all about, as the melody swirls through the air.

It’s been awhile since I’ve done an “open letters” post, so i thought I’d combine the thoughts that ran through my head and my conclusions on the matters, with the songs that magically popped up on shuffle (leading me to said conclusions).

Conclusions and dedications, to the men in my life who have made their mark, in some way, shape or form.

A chronicle of my nostalgic journey. I’m including the lyrics so you may better understand if you’ve never heard some of these songs. And while lyrics are great, I urge you to look up some songs if you don’t know them.

Where “words fail, music speaks”… and so it seems, that’s the case here as well. I’m sure after my trek back to Boston today, there will be MORE letters crafted in my mind, but until then…

Welcome to my brain.

And my heart.

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Dear Blue Eyes,

Oh, how far we’ve come. The past year and half has been wrought with many, many, ups and downs. You have held me close and whispered sweet words of love, and you have rendered me speechless as I saw you shopping for groceries with another girl. Despite everything, you are a good man. And your have truly surprised me with the recent turn of events and how persistent you’ve been with keeping in touch, and wanting to be with me, and see me. Isn’t that how it always is though? You don’t realize what you have, until its gone. For awhile I thought you might be boyfriend material. I really did. But time and distance has matured me, and I realized, upon hearing this song? You were the first person who popped into my mind. While it’s sad to say you’ve been reduced to this song as a memory, it’s the truth. This is not a bitter realization, or one that, anymore, even makes me upset. It’s the truth. And looking back, without my rose colored glasses on, I’d like to thank you for being there for me in my life. Even if I realize only now the role you played. I will miss you when I’m gone.

xo,

b

There’s blood in my mouth ’cause I’ve been biting my tongue all week
I keep on talkin’ trash but I never say anything
And the talkin’ leads to touchin’
and the touchin’ leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And It’s bad news
Baby I’m bad news
I’m just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know I’m alone if I’m with or without you
but just bein’ around you offers me another form of relief
When the loneliness leads to bad dreams
and the bad dreams lead me to callin’ you
and I call you and say “C’MERE!”

And it’s bad news
Baby I’m bad news
I’m just bad news, bad news, bad news

‘Cause you’re just damage control
for a walking corpse like me – like you

‘Cause we’ll all be
Portions for foxes
Yeah we’ll all be
Portions for foxes

There’s a pretty young thing in front of you
and she’s real pretty and she’s real into you
and then she’s sleepin’ inside of you
and the talkin’ leads to touchin’
then touchin’ leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And it’s bad news
I don’t blame you
I do the same thing
I get lonely too

And you’re bad news
My friends tell me to leave you
That you’re bad news, bad news, bad news

That you’re bad news
Baby you’re bad news
and you’re bad news
I don’t care I like you
and you’re bad news
I don’t care I like you
I like you
-”Portions for Foxes,” Rilo Kiley

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Dear One that Got Away,

You were married three weekends ago, and are now back from your honeymoon. I know that it was a lovely wedding, and that you looked really happy. I know this because we still share the same friends, being that most of them were your groomsmen. I hope you made the right choice, I really do. I’m not going to lie, it still makes me cringe and…well….laugh (now), that you were with me the night you met her. Remember that? That was a good night. And morning. I’ll never forget the way you smiled at me as the rising sun highlighted glints of your hair. We made the bed together, as we had done it a thousand times before…and were going to make it together a thousand times in the future. But apparently, that was not to be. I truly hope you’re happy and she gives you a lifetime of joy. Because while you will be a husband to her…to me? You will always be the one that got away. And that is my own fault. Because I was the one that broke your heart. I was the one that ended things. Because timing was just not right for us. And that, is something I will have to live with. Every time our eyes meet in that second from across the bar. I know I made the right choice, but still. I sometimes wonder, “what if…”

Always,

bb

I wasn’t looking for a lifetime with you
And I never thought it would hurt just to hear
“I do” and “I do”
And I do a number on myself
And all that I thought to be
And you’ll be the one
That just left me undone
By my own, hesitation

and for the million hours that we were
well I’ll smile and remember it all
then I’ll turn and go
while your story’s completed mine is a long way from done.

Well I’m on a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high
I’d toast to the future but that’d be a lie
On a champagne high, high

Spring turned to summer
But then winter turned to mean
The distance seemed right
At the time it was best – to leave
And to leave behind
What I once thought was fine And so real – to me
And while I’m still gone
On the quest for my song
I’m at your – celebration

Your wagons been hitched to a star
Well now he’ll be your thing that’s new
Yeah what little I have you can borrow
‘Cause I’m old and I’m blue…

Well I’m on a champagne high (so high)
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high (so high)
Toast to the future but that’d be a lie
On a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high…high…
So high so high you left me undone
so high, so high you left me undone…
-”Champagne High,” Sister Hazel

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Dear bXY,

I hesitate writing this, as I know you sometimes happen to find your way over here. But, I made a promise to myself I wasn’t about to change my writing, simply because you were reading. I’ve already shared this song with you. In fact, as I drove to my weekend in Philly, it was the first time I associated it with you. Quite ironic, concerning the circumstances of which it was authored. It’s funny how time changes things, and you’re able to look back with a clearer understanding. Hindsight is always 20/20 so they say. In my case, it was you who saw this much before me; while we seemed wonderful on paper, and had an amazing connection when we actually did meet…it just wasn’t meant to be. It took me a little longer, but I now get it. You’re a great person. I’m a great person. But that doesn’t mean we have to be great together. What we shared was truly special, and I think you were a blessing to come into my life at the point you did. And perhaps, that is the only reason our paths crossed when they did. Sure it’s a bit sad to look back and say now that dirt path has become overgrown, and patches of grass have sprouted…blurring its ending point into a field….Now, here we stand, in a “no man’s land,” made by distance and bad timing.

Please know that our path together, while shorter than others, has made an indelible mark upon my life. And while this song no longer really applies to what I/you/we (maybe) feel/felt…it serves as a reminder. Of your presence. Despite the distance. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

xoxo,

bXX

i’m staying in with your ringtone again
phonecalls shouldn’t mean this much
but when it’s all that we have
just the sound of your laugh
can sometimes be as sweet as your touch

are you still wanting me there by your side?
can we talk away the distance between us tonight?

hold the line i just might make it through to you
hold the line, I’m closer than you know
and further than you need

now i’m left wondering why your words say one thing
and the tone of your voice something else
i know it’s not fair that i can’t be there
has it all finally caught up with us?

are you still wishing i was there by your side?
can we talk away the distance between us tonight?

hold the line i just might make it through to you
hold the line, I’m closer than you know
and further than you need

is it just the wrong time for a good situation?
is a long distance love just a trick of imagination?
tell me you want it so bad
then you won’t hang up the phone

hold the line i just might make it through to you
hold the line, I’m closer than you know
and further than you need…
- “Hold the Line,” Scarlet Kings

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Dear E,

My heart still skips a beat when I hear this song. While the song “Just to See You Smile” brings back tears of happy sadness, this song to me, will forever be “us.” I remember the night you sang it to me, as we danced in that country field beneath the starry night sky. You cupped my face in your hand, and told me that this was “our song.” And would be, no matter what. Like you wrote in my yearbook…before you left for college, and before Ken came along. “Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but friendship is forever.” We still have a friendship, and though we don’t speak as often, when we do, it means something. It meant the world to me you told me before anyone else, that you were going to propose to your now wife. And I cried tears of JOY. Because that look in your eye…made my heart soar. Because I saw a best friend of mine, so, so happy.

This song will forever be ours…and it means the world to me you’ve kept that sacred, long past the shelving of our feelings and memories. I loved you then, and always will….although now, it has turned into a love for a very dear friend. But know it’s just as strong, if not more.

Love,

Your High School Sweetheart

It’s late in the evening; she’s wondering what clothes to wear.
She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
And then she asks me, “Do I look all right?”
And I say, “Yes, you look wonderful tonight.”

We go to a party and everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady that’s walking around with me.
And then she asks me, “Do you feel all right?”
And I say, “Yes, I feel wonderful tonight.”

I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes.
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don’t realize how much I love you.

It’s time to go home now and I’ve got an aching head,
So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed.
And then I tell her, as I turn out the light,
I say, “My darling, you were wonderful tonight.
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight.”
- “Wonderful Tonight,” Eric Clapton

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Dear Asshat,

I hate what you did to me. And I hate that I’m still reeling from the damage you made when you. broke. me. I don’t hate YOU, because that would require me to care. Which, you are not worthy of. So instead, I WILL blare this song. And be reminded of just how much you don’t matter to me, anymore. In the end.

Fuck you (and everyone who looks like you),

B.

(It starts with)
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on / but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

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Dear Ken,

It’s been over a year since you left me on the night of that wedding. Being home isn’t easy for me. While I can say I’m over you, seeing our old haunts and stomping grounds….well, just not easy. I wish that every time I see a car like yours, I didn’t do a double take. It’s so weird not to have you a part of my life now that we’re adults, because we WERE each other’s life in our teenage and young adult years. Funny how fate works out like that.

While we have many, many songs together. It’s this one…this one that still makes me stop dead in my tracks. I will never forget that DMB concert with you. I will never forget our graduation as this song played in my head. A glimpse into what the future had in store for us, I suppose. And most of all, I will never forget what we had…with the most important word in that sentence being: “had.”

Thank you for making me realize what I want and need from relationships. While I’m sad it had to end like it did, I know in my heart that the permanent space we’ve created between us, is for the best.

Always,

barbie

You cannot quit me so quickly
There’s no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like ‘Will it rain today?’
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we’re playing

We’re strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold…

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don’t take this ship down

The Space Between
Where you’re smiling high
Is where you’ll find me if I get to go
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I’ll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into…
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
‘Cause we’re walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here

The Space Between
What’s wrong and right
Is where you’ll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we’ll fill with time

- “The Space Between,” Dave Matthews Band

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Dear GreekMan,

I’m so afraid to speak of whats been developing between us, because I don’t want to jinx it. While we’ve known each other for the past five years, it is in this past month we’ve truly gotten to KNOW each other. I don’t know what is going to happen, or where this is going. But I do know that when I am with you, the world stops. I don’t know how you’ve managed to chip away at the walls I’ve built; the ones that have made me keep you at a distance for so many years.

Now that you’re in my life at the capacity you are, I don’t ever want you to not be.

Baby, I’m scared shitless about us. But in a good way. Because I have never been with someone who amazes me in the way you do…daily. Your patience, your intelligence, your genuine concern of my wellbeing, and the way you take care of me….all the while, giving me my independence I so desperately need in order to forge my own path. Thank you, for being stubborn in the fact that you refused to let me slip away.

Falling (even more) hopelessly for you,

bb

Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you’re frozen
But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melted into the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking ’round
Thinking I’m going crazy
But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing’s greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy
Maybe, maybe

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it’s draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

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To the Man whom I used to call “Daddy,”

I have written time and time again how I hate the fact I have “daddy issues.” So be it. I do. But that is because of YOUR actions. I washed my hands of you not too long ago, but just recently? What has happened pretty much sealed the deal on the fact that I don’t ever want to speak to you again. I hate the way you are a miserable human being. I hate the way you pick up and leave for weeks at a time spending time with your other family and by yourself in your make believe world, and come back home to relinquish your depression to those around you. I hate that you do not support me in my new career. I hate that you screamed at mi madre, about how I’m going to fail and YOU will have to be the one to pick up the pieces. I hate that you demanded that I pay you rent for being home for the past month, especially all the work I’ve done in place of YOU. I hate that you are terrible at being a father.

This song below might seem a little Freudian, because it’s really about a love relationship that is falling apart. However after really listening to it, I think that it can be looked at in a different light. It can be applied to ANY relationship. Even if the words become metaphorical in their transposition.

These words spoke to me, because its where I am right now with you. So.

Save your apologies. Save your bullshit. Because I’m done. Done with begging you to stay and be a part of my life. Done with hoping things could be the way they used to in the rare photographs of us looking genuinely happy. Done with begging for your love and you being proud of me.

I’m tired of fighting. I DON’T have the strength for you anymore. I’m going to sleep tonight.

Proud to be my “mother’s daughter,”

BB

Do you really believe you can get to me?
Knocking on my door incessantly
You know you don’t owe an apology
You’re just looking for a way to make it right
A pill to swallow and we fade to white
But I haven’t got the appetite
And don’t ask me why

I’m going to sleep tonight
‘Cause I don’t know what to do
I’m going to sleep tonight
I don’t have the strength for you
And if it’s a war you’d like,
You’re wasting your time
I’m going to sleep tonight

In the bedroom there’s a fading photograph
Of you and I back when we could laugh
Somehow we wound up on a different path

On the stereo is a song we know
She’s singing the words and a whistle blows
Is this really the way love’s supposed to go?
Nobody seems to know

Love don’t feel like it used to
And I don’t want to get used to knowing it this way
You know that I want you
But I don’t wanna keep pleading with you to stay

I’m going to sleep tonight
‘Cause I don’t know what to do
I’m going to sleep tonight
I don’t have the strength for you
And if it’s a war you’d like,
You’re wasting your time
I’m going to sleep tonight

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Dear Baby Boy B,

You are the love of my life. Seriously? This past month at home I’ve spent with you has been so, so good for us. While yes, I may yell at you for stealing and eating my underwear, and your penchant for getting into the garbage and playing with all things paper related you should NOT be playing with gets a little old after oh, the fifth time you’ve managed to get into it before 10am, when I see you look at me (as you cock your head and stare up at me with those eyes of yours), I simply melt.

I love that you’ve slept with me every night since I’ve been home. Snuggling up beside me, letting me hug you like a lil’ stuffed animal, and not to mention that whole you following me around everywhere I go thing. While yes, when you follow me into the bathroom, or when I take a shower, that’s a bit much, I know its because you love me and just can’t bear to be away from me for ONE single SECOND.

Oh, and while while we’re talking about things, I’m sorry punkin, but I still don’t speak “dog” and really can’t understand you, no matter how much you “talk” to me. It is precious though. So keep doing it. Especially because mi madre gets all jealous and is all “buuuut he doesn’t talk to me like that!” (Good boy.)

You are my main man, B. And I love you SO much for it. This one’s for you.

xoxo,

mommeh

This boy here wants to move too fast
He sees my future as having a past
Well, I don’t think so
I don’t think so

That boy there, well he’s playing a fool
He thinks he’s funny and he thinks he’s cool
We’ll I don’t think so
I don’t think so

Cheap date, bad taste, another night gone to waste
Talking about nothing in so many words
It’s not like I’m not trying
‘Cause I’ll give anyone a shot once

And, I , I close my eyes
And, I kiss that frog
Each time finding
The more boys I meet the more I love my dog

Here’s this guy, thinks he’s bad to the bone
He wants to pick me up and take me home
Well, I don’t think so
I don’t think so

Cage fights, PlayStation, X-Games, raider nation
Oversize pants with an ego to match
It’s not like I’m not trying
‘Cause I’ll give anyone a shot once

And, I , I close my eyes
And, I kiss that frog
Each time finding
The more boys I meet the more I love my dog

Why can’t they be like the one’s that mean everything to me
The one and loyal, open and friendly
It’s not like I’m not trying
‘Cause I’ll give anyone a shot once

I close my eyes
And, I kiss that frog
Each time finding
The more boys I meet the more I love my

I close my eyes
And, I kiss that frog
Each time finding
The more boys I meet the more I love my dog

The more I love my dog