i…

…haven’t done one of these posts for a long time.

…think it’s long overdue.

…have been feeling like total crap lately; advil cold and sinus, gatorade, hot tea and tissues have been my constant companions.

…really, really, really miss the pupster, B. Like, a lot. I hate that he’s across the state and so far away from me when I could really use his snuggles and puppy kisses right now.

…understand that he’s really good for my mom though, and that’s the only reason I’m ok with him being there rather than here. She really needs him right now.

…feel like a terrible granddaughter because every night I saw a prayer that my grandma is being watched over and that she may pass quickly, and in her sleep.

…am having issues about what kind of grandaughter prays for that…but in reality, it would honestly be a blessing. my mom is struggling from major caregiver strain, and not able to take care of her anymore because she’s deteriorated so much (both my grandmother’s health, and my mom’s emotional/physical health). My grandmother doesn’t even know who I am anymore. She sleeps 17 hrs a day and doesn’t eat…and its just heartbreaking.

…just want her to be at peace. And not in pain.

…should be having a hot date with my pharmacology books right now.

…am so overwhelmed with the amount of knowledge and information that my brain has been processing these past couple weeks, but I absolutely LOVE it. LOVE IT.

…really think I’ve found my niche in nursing. I want to be in the ICU.

…perhaps maybe even more specifically, the Burn Unit. We’ll see after I can hopefully spend a week in one in the spring doing specifically that. Either way, I love the ICU.

…had a baked potato with butter for dinner and it was delicious. It also calmed my stomach which has been super, super upset lately.

…think though, that I’m in a better place now than I’ve been in a long time.

…am happy to report the above, especially after making the decision to go off my meds. Yes, I’ve never publicly spoken about this, but since December of 2005 I have been a card carrying member of the Prozac nation. After consulting with my doctor, and weaning off of them, I’m happy to say that I no longer use them as a crutch, and am doing well. Very, very well.

…continue to believe that they are very much needed, and if after close monitoring of myself I realize I need to go back on them, well, then, so be it. I haven’t spoken on the blog much about it before (but have in direct emails with some), but truly believe that depression/anxiety is an illness, and should be treated like one, complete with medications and therapy. You can have your beliefs, I have mine. But for now, I’m really, really at peace with the situation and how I’m feeling. My life has changed alot from when I was working at *evil empire* in Boston, and I think…I’ve made the right choice. Fingers crossed.

…realize that omission may have shocked a few. I’ve never hid it, other bloggers and I have had extensive conversations about it..I just never chose to write about it specifically.

…am beyond THRILLED that my bestest is back blogging. We have weathered many a storm together, and know we will continue to do so. Love you CiCi. Soul sisters. For life. xo.

…am also going to make a real, honest goodness attempt to write more. I’ve missed it. I think though that after you go so long, you sort of stare at your computer and think…”I know I need to…but there’s so much stuff to write about.” And it’s overwhelming. But, like my dearest above said, “I have sh*t to say.”

…have been talking to a man. For the past month or so, yet I met him back in May. I don’t know where it’s going. Or where we’re at, so I’m going to keep mum for a little while longer.

…have slowly found myself switching over to tea, rather than coffee. Which is crazy to me, because I’m so not a tea person. But ohmygosh, this? SO GOOD.

…am still battling with the parents about the whole car situation. Read: I need one. Not just want, but need. Problem: paying for said car.

…absolutely love, love, LOVE the Fall. It is my favorite season. Like mi madre says, “it’s like God’s paintbrush has brought beauty to the world.”

…am also currently missing my blogbesties, Clinky and Pie. Also tres excited to meet THIS girl in a little over a week.

…think that friendships are what get me through.Today I got out of my roations early, and I not only caught up with aforementioned bloggy friends, but also spoke with three of my bestests from college and growing up.

…am a lucky, lucky, LUCKY girl to have such amazing women in my life.

…hope I haven’t bored you with this laundry list of items. But it’s me, in all my crazy resplendent life.

Take it or leave it.

 

i go to extremes.

Darling I don’t know why I got to extremes
Too high or too low there ain’t no in-betweens
And if I stand or I fall
It’s all or nothing at all
Darling I don’t know why I got to extremes

As a nurse, the harsh reality is I’ve not been blinded toward the unprettiness of substance abuse…the epic highs you see patients in, and the abysmal lows they go through in detox. It’s amazing that the human body can span such a range of not only emotions, but physical changes…all because of  a substance.

But what happens, when that substance isn’t alcohol, or drugs….but rather the substance, is life experiences? How do you detox from that euphoria that stem from not only GOOD experiences, but BAD experiences as well?

This past weekend was EPIC. I mean, absolutely without a doubt, epic.  I finally met in person for the first time, two of my long-time blog friends, and reasons I initially started blogging, and kept with it. Philly will never be the same after Clinky, Pie, and Barbie took over. In addition to the ridiculous shenanigans that ensued, I’m able to say that I have found two life long friends, who have carved out a place in my life and heart, forever. Words such as remarkable, and incredible simply pale in comparison to the immediate connection the three of us found with each other.

As simple as the words are, the best I can describe it as, well…we just get each other.

While we haven’t known each other technically “forever,” It sure feels like it. But I can safely say now, without a doubt, forever is in our future. Sometimes they say three’s a crowd, but in our case? It’s the perfect balance…a trifecta if you will, of what true friendship should be made up of:  genuineness. understanding. ease. laughter. trust. balance…and that’s just off the top of my head.

So how does one detox from that?

Yeah, not so easy. There’s been emails, texts, and of course, the sheer amount of times I’ve looked at photos from this past weekend has reached a new record. These ladies?

They are apart of my life, now and forever. That was the GOOD experience, that I don’t mind detoxing from….

The Bad? Well, here we go again.

I went into the weekend coming off of a high from “Banana Pancakes.” That happiness has since been replaced with the shakiness, the vomiting, the agitation and irritability. The not so pretty other side. While I only spoke briefly of him on here, (like so often before- LEARN bb, LEARN!) there were major parts of the story that I did not address on here…however, I once again fell for seeing only the good in the situation, and not the FULL picture.

Funny how the mind is so capable of only seeing what they want to see. When someone hints at showing their true colors, whether it be a random comment, or action, don’t dismiss it.

The good was good, but it hindsight (and yes, I’ll readily admit that my ego is a bit bruised that it didn’t work out), there WERE other factors that in the long run-made for a GOOD thing that things…just didn’t continue to click like they did when the fronts were still up.

That said, I’m okay. Truly. Live and learn.

Hell, I got some homemade banana pancakes out of the deal.

Know what else I learned on a totally different note? That I’ll be damned, as much as you want to put people out of your mind and try and make things work with someone ELSE, sometimes they just don’t go away.

Like, whom might we be speaking of? Glad you asked. Teddybear is alive and well. And  is equally as wonderful when it comes to whatever “we” are.  So I’ll continue the charade of going about my life and let whatever will be will be (and for the record Clinky and Pie witnessed this wonderfulness firsthand, and can attest to his awesomeness despite being a BABY, OMG I’m ROBBING THE CRADLE.) Greekman has made yet another attempt of checking in and visiting and blahblahblah so we’ll see if his actions prove him this time…and oh, the Dr.? Definitely had a SURPRISE phonecall from him just checking in and wanting to catch up last night…after a 20 minute conversation, we have another phone date this weekend.

So, where does that leave me?

Swirling. Still in detox from the good and bad.  My life and the people in it,  may wrapping around me right now…but the good thing about withdrawal?

It’s temporary.

And this too shall pass– allowing for the euphoric highs that are oh so worth it– to come around, once again.

 

seriously, universe?! seriously? seriously.

Oh don’t you worry you’re pretty little heads, I am busting out my Meredithness in this post. Expect a lot of “SERIOUSLY?!’s”.  (And speaking of Grey’s, anyone care to discuss if you share my opinion of how I think their writing is getting back on track, and total awesomeness like it was in the first few seasons? Yay Shonda.)

But back to the universe. SERIOUSLY, UNIVERSE?!?! Seriously.

So, remember that whole man-atus thing? Where I absolutely was DONE with dealing bullshit from boys and just SO OVER the male race? That even if you were freaking Jebus I’d still be all: “you are a man and have testicles therefore you suck?”  Okay. Maybe I wouldn’t say that to Jebus. But I was seriously tiptoeing the line of doing that. And I definitely just used the word Jebus and testicles in the same sentence and if that doesn’t get me upgraded on my ticket to hell, I don’t know what will.

Anyway.

So man-atus became in effect as Ken did some Ken-like things (which for the record I have pushed out of my mind, be proud.), Greekman was a f*ing twat, The Jock, well, The Jock…”wuz not 4me,” and the charred remnants of Asshat still have small burning embers. And then, THEN all of a sudden Dr. Dentist Man comes along.

SERIOUSLY DENTIST MAN? SERIOUSLY?! Seriously.

Dr. Dentist Man is older. 38 to be exact. The same age as Greekman if you may recall. Apparently I am a magnet for 38 year old men. Anyway. Dr. Dentist Man is a total gentleman. He calls me. He asks me out in advance. He DRIVES TO MY HOUSE TO PICK ME UP. He takes me out on dates. He had absolutely NO PROBLEM whatsoever meeting the folks and acted as if it was no big deal (AHEM GREEKMAN AHEM) because guess what, it isn’t. He is INTELLIGENT. He is very witty. He has perfect teeth. And he is nothing but direct (in a good way.) It may also help that he has a devilish twinkle in his eyes, and adorable dimples to go along with that. Maybe.

As you may recall, we had our first date last Tuesday. We then got together again on Friday. And again on Saturday afternoon/evening. I was so not expecting this. Which makes me cautious. Super cautious, even. And still kinda all like: “whatever, I’m focused on school, and you’re pretty great for treating me like a Queen, but don’t expect anything buddy, because, well…yeah.”

My girlfriends are all shocked that I’m not pulling my usual routine of “OMG he’s so great! And he’s so WONDERFUL! and oh my gosh I would soooo be the cutest Mrs. Dentist, and don’t you think our children would have PERFECT teeth?!” (SHUT UP YOU KNOW YOU DO IT TOO, and if you say you aren’t you are lying. LYING. Jebus doesn’t like liars. (But apparently he’s okay with them saying “testicles” in the same sentence of referring to him.)

So, while Dentist Man is being all fabulous and stuff, and I’m doing my own thing studying and blahblah, guess who calls me on Sunday. (No, not the Jock, but don’t worry, I had 7 missed phone calls, 5 text messages and 3 voicemails from him this weekend. STALKER.) But Greekman.

Oh yes. I’ll give you a minute to process that.

So, Greekman calls me. After having not spoken for a month and that disastrous dinner that was, HE decides to call me (two days after his 38th birthday, no less, and no I did not wish him happy Birthday on that day.) And left me a voicemail. Wanting to apologize for being (and I quote) “an immature asshole” and felt awful for leaving things the way they were, and he “understood if I was absolutley disgusted with him” but he really “wanted to talk.” SO we talked. And he made it clear that he was testing the waters. And wanted to “talk again soon.” And even flirted a bit, cautiously. I don’t know. Whatever. Not worried. I’m glad though he realizes HE FUCKED UP BIG TIME WHEN he decided to be an immature ass and whatever, ok? SERIOUSLY.

Seriously, folks.

Anyway. Because my life is never dull in the man department I just thought I’d share that ‘lil gem of an update with y’all. And for the record, the ban has not been quite lifted, and the man-atus is still kinda in effect. Kinda.

But Dr. Dentist Man? Well, he’s kinda great with his mouth. Take that where ye shall.

Seriously.

(P.S. I’m also guestblogging HERE today. And of course, it’s a boy story. Hoewver, it invovles travel and Germany. Interest is piqued, I know. So, what are you waiting for…go read!)

 

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Breaking news!!

B? Is FAMOUS.

Apparently, my “bad parenting skills” are are developing quite nicely, and now B is a celebrity dog!!! Gosh, if he keeps this up, I might just have to co-write a book with Mrs. Spears.

Oh, I kid, Internets. But seriously: go check out my super cute puppeh- because HE’S FAMOUS!!!!!! AND ADORABLE!!!!!!!

http://ihasahotdog.com/2007/12/20/lefted-presents-in-yr-slippers/

(Thanks KLC for bringing this to my attention! )