i’m just not there.

I love my amazing friends. I really, truly do. I pretty much think that I’m the luckiest girl in the whole, wide, world to have such an eclectic group of phenomenal people in my life. But you know what, folks? Being 25, on the brink of 26, is a mighty funny age and time in your life.

It is so, unbelievably, completely polarizing.

In fact, I feel as if there are two sides of the fence. The married and wanting babies side, and the single going out with your girls side having cute boys buy you drinks so you don’t have to pay for them.

Everyone is different; they have different choices, different paths, all that jazz blahblahblah we’re taught. And I get it. I do. I also know not to compare myself to others, because everyone is on their own timeline.

But do you ever just feel caught in the middle?

On one hand, I see an adorable baby and can totally relate to my married friends who have babies on the brain, and are so content to stay at home on a Saturday night with the significant other. Hell, if I had a boyfriend, or man, I think that’d be great! I mean, I love my Manolos just as much as the next girl, but give me sweatpants and curling up with my man watching a movie? Done and done.

On the other, I don’t realllly have a manfriend, am living the “college life” albeit graduate as opposed to undergrad, and damnit on a Saturday night after studying my assss off all week I just want to let loose and flirt with band members, drink tequila shots, and wear questionably short skirts, all the while laughing with my fellow single girls.

But at what point- crossing that great divide constantly- do you find yourself in no man’s land and enough is enough?

I’m at a point now, where I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. I’m also at a point where despite that, I still feel guilty for CONSTANTLY comparing myself to both sides. And also, for feeling resentment at both sides. Not toward the people; heavens no…just that they have somewhere to belong. They don’t find themselves questioning one day “WHY AM I NOT MARRIED AND WANTING A BUNDLE OF JOY?!” to the next, realizing “OH SHIT, I TOTALLY FORGOT TO WATER MY HOUSEPLANT BECAUSE I WAS SO HUNGOVER AND TIRED FROM MY WEEKEND OF STUDYING/PARTYING.”

Going from zero to sixty and back again is exhausting. I haven’t come to a conclusion, and I don’t know if I ever will.

I do think, though, that it’s okay to feel the tug of both sides. Because really, everyday we discover something new about ourselves.

Like, today for instance. I discovered the taste of horseradish sauce. And how it makes me want to vomit and invades my nostrils and the sickening stench WILL NOT LEAVE MY NASAL CAVITIES.

These discoveries are important stuff people.

So,teaching point: while some discoveries we make, we will find ourselves never going back on. (Read: eating horseradish sauce ever, ever, EVER again.) And others? Well, I guess we’ll just have to walk the line for a bit till we fall on one side permanently, and just enjoy the time in between.

 

word vomit & short sentences.

hi. we’re speaking in short sentences today. yesterday I was going to write about Greekman. But that didn’t happen. yesterday, lots of things did happen though. my parents were screaming at each other. My grandma defecated all over herself and the bed, and it took me hours to clean up. she also fell out of bed in the middle of the night, and was very, very scared. then, when that part of the day was over with, after I had my two classes I found out I have an exam tomorrow in anatomy&physiology. and after dinner? tompettyboyfriend called me. and for lack of better terminology, broke up with me. no, i dont want to talk about it. yes, i’m fine. i’m really tired. exhausted really. i dont have the effort to put forth the analyzing of anything. because my brain hurts. lotsly. after that, i had to take a molecular cell biology 10 pt. quiz. which i failed. but then, this morning, the professor admitted to having messed up on some answers, and gave everyone perfect 10 out of 10s. i got my hair highlited this afternoon and now i’m blond. pretty blond. i feel pretty. even though my insides feel pretty shitty. hey, that rhymed. i called off of work tonight. and i will be studying for the rest of evening. that, and admiring my pretty blond hair in the mirror. while silently listening to music bemoaning the fact that everyone, including men i date can say i’m the entire package, smart, beautiful, funny, charming, etc, etc, yet its never enough. i’m tired of thinking. i want a very strong martini. and to hang out with my girlfriends on outdoor patios and drink said martinis. i’m nervous about figuring out this whole loan thing. anymore, i feel numb to everything.  planning my move is very trying and stressful. on me and my family. i’m going to miss my puppy. i also want colbyjack cheese cubes right now. the end.

 

bridges.

Helllllo out there!

Anybody there?!

Hopefully so. I know I’ve been slacking off and not writing a lot lately, and my readership has dwindled considerably. So if those of you who are still out there and are reading? Thank you. A lot has been happening in my life…and lately, I feel like my REAL life is just so much to take, that the thought of sitting down and writing about it and analyzing it over my Internet life was just exhausting. So I took a little time.

And here’s what happened.

I’ve been finding myself walking around, everywhere I go posing Carrie Bradshaw like questions to everything I see. Offering my own internal take on relationships, life, and/or lack thereof. And that’s when it hit me. Holy Hell, Batman, I need to write.

Brilliant observation, I know.

My fingers need to draw themselves over the keyboard typing up a tapestry of my daily thoughts. My mind won’t ever be settled until I deal with whats going on, and put it out there. And so, back to the laptop I trail, with my head hanging low, fighting every urge in my body to not put everything out there- to keep it locked up inside, so I don’t have to come to terms with the thousands of things that cross my mind.

But that’s not healthy. And we’re on a quest for healthy and happiness here, folks.

I was reading a totally awesome lady, and she spoke of a quote she came across in a magazine. Drew Barrymore said:

“Here’s something else I will happily share, something a friend told me that changed my world, though it didn’t necessarily change my behavior. And it’s this: Men build bridges. If they want to find your phone number or anything else, they will. They will build huge, massive bridges to get to you.”

And it just hit me. Today, all of a sudden.

I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I need to stop worrying so much about what’s going to happen, that I miss out on the simple wonderfuls of now. And that goes for not only life, but my relationships as well.

I need to make bridges for myself whilst waiting for others to build some connecting to me. Because only then, will I have a complete highway system to ride up and down the highway of life on.

As for school, I’ve been so stressed out with my classes, and in particular, an arrogant prick for a professor. But at the end of the day, what is the reason for the stress? I know I will pass the class. I know I won’t be getting an A+…something hard to digest for my overachiever self. But you know what? Sometimes, the best you can do isn’t always going to be an A+.

AND THAT’S OKAY.

Let me repeat, THAT IS OKAY.

(Sometimes I have to repeat that mantra over and over so it will sink into my sometimes thick skull.)

In regards to relationships, Greekman has resurfaced as he just doesn’t ever really go away, in a manner of speaking, basically made it clear he wants to marry me, but nothing will happen until I’m done with school, so he’s just not going to make a decision until he has to. (Whatever….who said i wanted to be with YOU anyway?! Seriously?! Seriously!)

And TomPettyBF? Heart. Heart him. REALLY WANT THINGS TO WORK OUT WITH HIM, and for the record, I already view him as my “manfriend,” But, also, we’re in a limbo of sorts. I’m not in the same city yet, (although I will be in a month and a half), and there’s really nothing that’s going to change right now, so I need to just get through this period of limbo and focus on the THINGS THAT I CAN CONTROL. And then of course, there’s the worry that once I do get out there it will turn into a miserable trainwreck and just be bad and that aside set of hopes will be crushed, so that is why I’m focusing on myself and school and welcome to my crazymind hello nice to meet you.

(For the record, both are Libras, and birthday are six days apart. Coincidence?! I THINK NOT.)

Ahem. Deep breaths.

Let me reiterate (another thing, yes): FOCUS ON THE THINGS YOU CAN CONTROL, OTHERWISE YOU WILLLL DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY.

Note to self: heed own aforementioned advice.

So yes, manfriend is still there, but it’s a limbo period….just like now, in waiting for school to start…and waiting to hear about potential apartments….and waiting, and waiting…..

And waiting some more. Please do not think this is idle waiting, however.

Far from it.

In fact, I think that during this period of waiting, I’ll have gathered up enough pebbles to start to build my own bridges to things that are good for ME.

MY career. MY friendships. MY family. MY new path in life.

I may not be all together, all of the time, but I’m getting there. Slowly but surely, pebble by pebble, I will build bridges important to me, with hardwork, sacrifice, and love- of others and myself-as its foundation.

And maybe, someday….someone will build an exit ramp, or even a huge, massive bridge to connect with me on my stretch of the highway.

 

halfsies.

Today, I celebrate my half-birthday.

(Shush. No haters.)

I am officially 25 1/2.

*insert confetti throwing here.*

I probably should back up and state this tradition came about due to the fact my birthday is in the summer, and no one was ever around in the beginning of August (college, high school. etc.). And because everyone likes to feel special, I institued the half birthday celebration. Basically because I like people to pay attention to me and buy me pretty things. Which no one actually does, but I can hope one day that idea will come true. Wait, did I just say that out loud?

Ahem.

So far, it’s been a good year, despite the ups and downs. So if you excuse me, I may just go drink a mimosa in celebration.

Of myself.

And my fabulousness.

So, I leave you with this: does anybody else out there celebrate or at least recognize their half birthday? If so, you totally should. Because who doesn’t like having TWO DAYS a year designated to them?

No one. That’s who.

 

question.

Why is it, that when one part of your life is going so well, the other parts fall to pieces?

Today? I feel like an epic failure at life.

Note to self: have fireside chat with mother nature re: the number of hours in the day. And how to incorporate more of them, in regards to even attempting to meet the high expectations I set for myself.

In the meantime, I’m going to go bury my head under the covers. Kthxbai.

 

silent night.

Today is Christmas day, night. As I sit here, I’m listening to my emo mix and sipping on some red wine, and thinking about not only this holiday season, but rather the past few…so forgive me if this is a cathartic tipsy rambling and it’s not all happiness and merriment and pretty packages with bows.

I know that I’m very blessed. I am healthy, have a loving supporting family and strong circle of friends. I am smart, I have a good disposition (most of the time), and appear to be a (somewhat) functioning normal adult.

But at what point is enough?

I drove to an Xmas Eve gathering last night, one I’ve been going to for the past 6 or so years. It’s a small gathering, and consists of all of us standing in a kitchen, drinking down bottles of champagna, and eating delicious dips and xmas cookies that were given as gifts. I am usually the only girl, with the exception of a fiance, or perhaps wife. There is never more than 10 of us. These boys are like brothers to me. We have a history of love, life and laughter. The one that got away happened to be present at last night’s gathering, sans wife, and somehow, it was good. We laughed, we talked, and reminisced.  Like old friends do.

As friends, all strangely connected, we make up our dysfunctional family- and this tradition- is one of my favorites this time of the year.

There is a manger scene with a wise men that has been decapitated and fixed courtesy of super glue (3 Christmas Eve’s ago, I was drunk, and swung my coat around. Poor dude and his Myrrh took a bad hit.) And there is the smell of cigarette smoke in the air, as the air filter on the stove is tired from working so many parties before. There are the poinsettias, and the stark whiteness of a bachelor pad’s kitchen. My friend’s single father drunkenly keeping the glasses topped off, striving to stay young. He’s passed that milestone years ago.

But he’s family.

I drove there last night and as my cheery x-mas cd played through, I found myself changing the channel. Somehow, the somber, harmonica ridden melody of Ryan Adams’ “Come Pick Me Up,” better fit my mood.

Hands on the steering wheel, I realized that I’m not happy.

But, I’m not unhappy, either.

It’s like I’m kinda just (once again) standing somewhere in between, going through the motions.

It’s not all bad, and I don’t mean to be debbie downer….

I AM really proud of myself- my grades- my acceptance to Nursing Schools (3 for 3, so far), the way I’ve been able to spend time with and help out my family….

But something, something is missing.

And as much as I don’t want to admit that, when the holiday season rolls around, I can’t help but look at the glimmer of the tree, and the sparkle of champagne glasses, and gaze at the mistletoe. I see couples holding hands, walking in the snow.

And then it hits me….I want to feel the excitement of something new.

Something real.

Sure, there are prospects, but for now, that’s what they remain….prospects.

I want to fall asleep next to someone. I want to bake cookies to cheer someone up when they’re having a bad day. I want to sip coffee on Sunday mornings, and have them help me with the crossword.

I realized a few days ago that I’m the only one of my high school and college friends, combined, that is not married, or not in a serious relationship. While I’m worried about loans and studying for finals, they’re worrying about buying a house, or picking out rings.

And it will come someday, hopefully.

But right now, I’m frustrated and tired of being patient.

I feel so alone.

I don’t want to have to snap at my mother “just. stay. out of it.” and walk out of the room in frustration.

(For the record, she keeps pushing Greekman, and me to “not burn my bridges.”

Sample convo:

BB: Why is that he can screw me over, six ways from Sunday, and you KEEP pushing the idea of him on me? You always defend him and expect me to just let him treat me this way?! I DON’T get it.

Mi Madre: BB, I’m not, I’m just saying not to burn your bridges. He’s not ready, that’s all.

BB: Exactly. Which he’s communicated to me. So excuse me, if I’m not going to keep let him jacking me around and be at his beckon call. No.

Mi Madre: BB, I’m only trying to help…

BB: DO you know how you can help? Just. Stay. Out of it. *storms off*

….Aaaaaaaand end scene.)

***

I’m tired.

I’m alone.

And I don’t want to be, anymore.

But somehow, i just don’t think that’s int eh cards for me right now…..which just makes the ache hurt even more.

But it’s Christmas. And I’m sorry I couldn’t speak of happier things. I really am. But, it’s Christmas. And you tell the truth on Christmas.

I want to be perfect to someone. Just one person….in all my imperfections.

And that, is the truth.

Maybe I just need to stop watching Love Actually, and drinking red wine.

Le Sigh. Happy holidays, all.

xoxo, BB

 

just, beyond.

I really need to start off by saying how much y’all ROCK.

No, really. I was blown away. BLOWN AWAY by the amount of comments and emails and suggestions I received. Seriously? Y’all are bitchin’. TOTALLY. BITCHIN’. And for those of you that are new around these parts, you should know that is pretty much the HIGHEST BARBIE COMPLIMENT EVER.

Ever.

So, really? Y’all deserve a bajillion gold stars. Because you’ve kept me sane these past couple days. And like I told our darling Clinky the other day: “I’m really appreciative, because I’m pretty sure those shades of gowns worn at the funny farm would do absolutely nothing to compliment my skin tone.”

Classic.

So while there is all of this awesomeness going on, there is however, one tiny downfall. Minor detail. And that, would be status of my AmEx. Which is currently quivering in a corner, begging for lube, because oh. It’s been abused. ABUSED these past two days, partypeople. ITunes has assraped my Amex. It’s cool. Apple is currently

And just when I finally paid all of my cards off. I know. Currently officially out of debt as of 9.20.08, actually. (That was a great day.) (Not quite sure why it was not celebrated on ‘zee blog.) (Maybe because I was too busy writing in parentheticals.)

But now, we’re back to the red. Because my music addiction habit is an expensive one….even at 99cents a pop. That shit adds up, yo.

But we won’t think about that.

What we will think about, though? Glad you asked. My fabulous new selection of songs compiling the new playlist, so appropriately entitled “life,lemons&vodka.” (Think about it.)

So, another big thanks for all of the suggestions. You guys never cease to amaze me. And because I’m in a giving mood, I’m going to share with you some lyrics that have been floating around in my head, thanks to the new playlist, life,lemons&vodka. (Again, think about it. I so clever.)

So, happy humpday folks, and feel free to help out the state of Apple stock in this economic crisis like I did. iLove, bitches. iLove.

/…….

***Barbie PSA: This part is long. Feel free to skip. I’m currently in a state of CabSauv Buzz. Which really means I’m skipping through my playlist blaring out these parts of song as I type. What, like you don’t do it too?  Feel free to dissect a piece of wisdom out of the many lyrics I’m about to put before you, if you stay with me. If not, pizzzeeeaaccccceee.***

**Edited to reflect I’m a lot more tipsy than I so thought. And there’s seriosuly like 50 songs down there. Jebus. Aaaaaand comments from yours truly. Clearly, this makes me awesome.**

Shawn Mullins: Beautiful Wreck

“At the dark end of this bar
What a beautiful wreck you are
When you go too far,
Beautiful wreck you are
What a beautiful, such a beautiful
A beautiful wreck you are
What a beautiful, such a beautiful wreck”

Ingird Michaelson: Be OK

Open me up and you will see
I’m a gallery of broken hearts
I’m beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

P!nk: So What

So, so what?
I’m still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don’t need you
And guess what
I’m having more fun
And now that we’re done
I’m gonna show you tonight
I’m alright, I’m just fine
And you’re a tool
So, so what?
I am a rockstar
I got my rock moves
And I don’t want you tonight

Christina Aguilera: Keeps Gettin’ Better

Step back gonna come at ya fast
I’m driving out of control
And getting ready to crash
Won’t stop shaking up what I can
I serve it up in a shot
So suck it down like a man
So baby yes I know what I am
And no I don’t give a damn
And you’ll be loving it

Some days I’m a super bitch
Up to my old tricks
But it won’t last forever
Next day I’m your super girl
Out to save the world
And it keeps gettin’ better

Corrine Bailey Rae: Put Your Records On

Maybe sometimes, we’ve got it wrong, but it’s alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don’t you hesitate.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You’re gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Cake’s Version of: I Will Survive

(Love me some Gloria G, but Cake’s version is just so much more…..F*ck You.)

Oh now go,
Walk out the door
Just turn around now
You’re not welcome anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to break me with desire
Did you think I’d crumble
Did you think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
As long as I know how to love I know I’ll be alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got all my love to give
I will survive
I will survive
Yeah, yeah

Christina Ag (AGAIN): Fighter

(You sing it girlfriend. YOU ARE A FIGHTER!)

After all you put me through
You’d think I’d despise you
But in the end I wanna thank you
‘Cause you made me that much stronger

Well I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
Guess I, I couldn’t trust
Called your bluff, time is up
‘Cause I’ve had enough

…..

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Faith Hill: Free

Life pulls fast changes
Wind blows past pages
All I see is I don’t need this
High strung tightrope walk
Ticking time bomb clock
Scratch my name off
Cut these chains

I’m free…kicking out of that prison
I’m am free…singing those words of wisdom
Let it be…nobody gonna put the blues inside of me

Madonna: Sorry

I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say you’re sorry
(Don’t explain yourself cause talk is cheap)
I’ve heard it all before, And I can take care of myself
(There’s more important things than hearing you speak)
I don’t wanna hear, I don’t wanna know
Please don’t say ‘forgive me’

Maria Mena: Fragile

(I AMMMMM fraaaagilllllleeeee I ammmmmm hopelessssssss)

I’ve been walking around all day,
Laughing.
I think I’d be better off without you here.
And I bet you’re sweet and hard to get over.
So I’ll cry and people will stop and stare.
Now that’s okay.
Let them stop and stare.

Cause I am fragile.
I am hopeless.
I’m not perfect.
But I am free.

Jo Dee Messina: Not Goin Down

(SHe is the BEES KNEES. omfg. Did I jstu say BEESKNEES? omg, i did. seriosuly though. sing it woman.)

Been burned by the fire
Been stuck under water
Strung up on a wire and still the world goes around
Been tossed like a free throw
Knocked out when the wind blows
Pull the curtain on the hurtin’
‘Cause I’m not going down
(I’m not going down no no)

Kanye West: Stronger

too drunk to find lyrics. you know this song. jamz. out.

Lily Allen: Everything’s Just Wonderful

Do you think, everything, everyone, is going mental,
It seems to me that it’s spiralling outta control and it’s inevitable,
Now don’t you think,
This time is yours, this time is mine,
Its temperamental,
It seems to me, we’re on all fours,
Crawling on our knees,
Someone help us please

Oh Jesus Christ almighty,
Do I feel alright? No not slightly,
I wanna get a flat I know I can’t afford it,
It’s just the bureaucrats who won’t give me a mortgage,
Well it’s very funny cos I got your xxxxxx money,
And I’m never gonna get it just because of my bad credit
Oh well I guess I mustn’t grumble,
I suppose that’s just the way the cookie crumbles.

Rosie THomas: Wedding Day

so much for love
i guess i’ve been wrong
but it’s all right cuz i’m moving on
i’m gonna drive over hills
over mountains and canyons

and boys that keep bringin me down
i’m gonna drive under skyline and sunshine
drink good wine in vineyards
and get asked to dance
i’m gonna be carefree and let nothing pass me by
never ever again

it’s gonna be so grand
it’s gonna be just like my wedding day

What Made Milwaukee Famous: Sultan

I’ve had less than my fair share of lucky breaks
And enough of this fooling around
I’ve got one last chance to get rid of my past
And bury it deep in the ground
And no matter what you try man
You’re never gonna tear me down

When the only blame you cast is your own
And your only guarantee is your fear of the unknown
If you don’t cut your losses before you get lost
They’re never going to leave you alone

My best bits of advice I’ll repeat only twice
After that you can fend for yourself
If you think that your shoes couldn’t find better use
About just about anyone else

You need to face up and fold
Or deal with the hand you’re dealt

Make up your mind
Are you in are you out
I’ve no patience for your impetuous doubt

What is Mine: O.A.R.

Been to the black rock
Found my salvation
Rendered me patient
But wearing me thin
So I’m

On the way back home
Seen the big show, thousand times
Got to get back what is mine
The only way I know
Feet been walking, thousand miles
Got to get back what is mine

What is mine

Jack’s Mannequin: Swim

(IIII beeeee swimmmmin)

You gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you’re not so
sure you’ll survive
You gotta swim
Swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven’t come this far
To fall off the earth
The current will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

Kate Voegele: It’s Only Life

Tears are forming in your eyes
A storm is warning in the sky

The end of the world it seems
You bend down and you fall on your knees
Well get back on your feet yeah

Don’t look away
Don’t run away
Hey baby it’s only life
Don’t lose your faith
Don’t run away
Hey baby its only life
Yea it’s only life

You were always playing hard
Never could let down your guard

But you can’t win
If you never give in
To that voice within
Saying pick up your chin
Baby let go of it

Saving Jane: Supergirl

I’m the life of the party
So contagious
All the boys wanna catch me
But I’m just playin’

I’m supergirl
I’m everywhere
I’m flashing lights
They stop and stare
I’m fire red
I’m on a roll
I’m in your head and everybody knows
I’m, I’m, I’m supergirl

I’m the perfect disaster
You can’t stop me
Coming faster and faster
But you just watch me [you just watch me]

Ani DiFranco: Untouchable Face

think i’m going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don’t want nobody to follow me
‘cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren’t already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she’s not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you’re perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can’t even tell me that much

Lady GaGA: Just Dance

(JUST DAAAAANNNCEY IT OUT.)

Can’t find my drink or man.
Where are my keys, I lost my phone.
What’s go-ing out on the floor?
I love this record baby, but I can’t see straight anymore.
Keep it cool what’s the name of this club?
I can’t remember but it’s alright, alright.

Just dance. Gunna be okay.
Da-doo-doo-doo
Just dance. Spin that record babe.
Da-doo-doo-doo
Just dance. Gunna be okay.
Duh-duh-duh-duh
Dance. Dance. Dance. Ju-just dance.

 

“bang. head. here.” says the acorn queen.

I would have written this yesterday evening, but I’m afraid I just wasn’t in any emotional state for it.

Since I’m all about school now, guess what readers! POP QUIZ time. Ready? I’ll make it easy on you. K. Here we go:

Please choose the letter that most corresponds with the following question: In the past 24 hours, what has happened in Barbie’s life:

A. The Jock refuses to fade away in the sunset. 4 txts l8ter wit no better grmmr, he just. Won’t. Quit. DESPITE no response from yours truly.

B. Barbie interviewed former FAMOUS boy-bander for hometown newspaper story.

C. Barbie totaled her beloved car of 7 years, on Main St., on her way to cover another story for hometown newspaper.

D. Took a ridiculously hard A&P exam, that she had stayed up pretty much all night studying for, and then early the next morning, but to no avail, handed it in with tears in her eyes.

E. All of the Above.

If you answered “E” folks, give yourselves a gold star. I swear, this is the story of my life. I finally get one step forward, and then it seems I then take 3 bajillion steps back. As my father sat with me and I watched as the smoke billowed from my dear old girl’s buckled hood, and she lost control of her bowels and was leaking fluids everywhere, I buried my head in my dad’s shoulder and said:

“No job. No money. And now…no car.”

It was at that point he looked at me in the eyes…and we just started to laugh. That deep, guttural laugh when that’s really the only thing you can do to get through. I still have a lot of financial things to figure out here within these next couple months, but last night, after I sent my story off to my editor, and crawled into bed with baby boy B by my side…and my parents came in to kiss me on the forehead goodnight, I realized just how blessed I am.

In the accident, no one was hurt, and that’s the important thing. Metal can be replaced. I suppose my guardian angels were looking out for me, and I’m just happy that it happened here at home, rather than stranded along the highway somewhere.

As for The Jock and all you AWESOME READERS who commented? Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. He sucks. But on the flip side, I do have four more texts to share with you all to give you a good laugh. Man-atus? Continue.

As for school…I’m working hard. Harder than hard. And it’s been recognized by not only my parents, but my educators as well…so, we’ll see how things play out. Time will tell.

It’s been a pretty emotional past couple days, but the sun is shining now, and I’m off to go walk to the streets with my mother for the craft fair that’s taking place today as it’s hometown festival time yet again. And then, I will solemly remove all my personal items out of my dear old girl, and kiss her dashboard one last time before she is taken to the salvage yard.

After all, you can take the Acorn Queen out of the town…but you can’t take the Acorn Queen out of the girl.

 

good daughter.

I walked a half a mile in my barefeet this evening. Why? Because I gave up my flip flops to my mother whose feet were killing her in her dress sandals.

I know, I’m such a good daughter especially after I almost ripped her head off on the 8 1/2 hour drive we took together yesterday, back to Boston to pack up my stuff, but it’s easy to, because we get along SO WELL even in small confined spaces for hours at a time.

Then again, this barefoor walk may or may not have occurred on the way back from the T tonight, having spent the day shopping on Newbury Street. And her purchasing me this, totally on impulse (she got one too, only bigger and olive green. You know, so we can trade!) (Mine is like a steel blue color. I already have the Black one.):

Happy 25th Birthday to me. And stuff. She’s the best.

/…….

Also, some housekeeping notes so I don’t forget to tell y’all about later:

• Thank you all SO MUCH for the birthday comments and wishes AND for DELURKING!!!! You all ROCK!!!! Barbie hearts you. Lotsly.

• Moving/life updates to fill you in on.

• Many men updates to bring y’all up to on as well. Yes, they include GreekMan, Ken and TomPettyBF. And today? When I went to lunch wiht Blue Eyes? Mi madre met him. And it was awesome. I know. You can hardly wait.
  

• Okay. Enough bullet points. But I need to say yet again that I have a pretty new handbag to go drool over….ANNND a pair of NEW slightly worn Arden B jeans I got for $14. At the second hand store on Newbury St. Yes, I’m bragging. What can I say. I had to. Well, and this: don’t be jealous, I balance my luxury with cheapness.

 

my birthday: 24 things i’ve learned being 24.

Oh hai. Barbie here. And now? Now I’m officially an adult. I’m 25 today.

I got home late last night, after a long trek back from Vancouver, BC, and a wonderful wedding weekend (my person, my Christina got married. And I was her wedding planner.) As I drove along, and this song played on the radio, and my mom and grandma called me at 12.01am to sing me happy birthday, I had a moment. A weeee emotional moment. Aka. crying hysterically.

It’s been a year folks. But I’m so, so ready for this new chapter to begin.

So without further ado, I’ll continue on the series of birthday posts which I began last year…what 365 days of being 24 has taught me:

24: I CAN cook. And have perfected my homemade recipe of mac&cheese.
23: I love my puppeh. even more than i thought possible.
22: Always trust your gut. don’t explain away those red flags. they’re there for a reason…and can help you to avoid a lot of heartbreak.
21: Shots of lemondrops, then rounds of crown, tequilla and whatever else you were drinking that night is NOT a good idea.
20: Sometimes relationships just don’t work. You can be friends. You can be fuckbuddies. But that doesn’t always translate into making a relationship happen.
19. There is room in my heart for forgiveness. But not for Asshat.
18. Bon Jovi is very wise. Especially in his lyrics:

I spent 20 years trying to get out of this place
I was looking for something I couldn’t replace
Like a blind dog without a bone

who says you can’t go home

I was a gypsy lost in the twilight zone
I hijacked a rainbow and crashed into a pot of gold
I been there, done thatand I ain’t lookin’ back on the seeds I’ve sown,
Saving dimes, spending too much time on the telephone
Who says you can’t go home

Who says you can’t go home
There’s only one place they call me one of their own
Just a hometown boy, born a rolling stone, who says you can’t go home
Who says you can’t go back, been all around the world and as a matter of fact
There’s only one place left I want to go, who says you can’t go home
It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright, its alright

I went as far as I could, I tried to find a new face
There isn’t one of these lines that I would erase
I lived a million miles of memories on that road
With every step I take I know that I’m not alone
You take the home from the boy, but not the boy from his home
These are my streets, the only life I’ve ever known,

19: Sometimes the very thing that can make you feel like a failure at life, aka being laid off from your job, is the best thing in the world to happen to you. Like someone said in a comment to me on that post, “one day you’ll be sending them a thankyou note.” Consider it signed, sealed, and waiting to be delivered.

18: While I adore my Redken shampoo and conditioner, I’m learning that $2 Suave Professionals Shampoo and Conditioner (comparable to Biolage) actually works fantastically.

17: There is a greater calling for me, and it’s not in Corporate America. I cannot wait to continue along down this path I’m creating for myself. And I cannot WAIT for the day I will officially be an RN.

16: While I love Boston, my time there is done. I don’t like ht eperson I’ve become there…I’ve become hardened…while it’s been good for me, it’s time for me to get back to my roots.

15: My mother is still my best friend. And my father….we’re working on our relationship. But as of right now? I can honestly say that things have never been better. Without their love and support, I would not be where I am right now. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

14: I said this last year, but this was simply reinforced these past 12 months: Be thankful for your best girlfriends. Because they will be the ones who pick you up off the floor and hold you while you are sobbing and convulsing. Whether it be because of heartbreak, death or just a breakdown. They will be there for you, even if only for a needed embrace and reassuring hairstrokes.

13: The same can be said for my bloggy friends. And sometimes to an even greater degree. You ladies know what I’m talking about.

12. It’s okay to change your mind.

11. There is nothing better that watching fireworks with a man you’re falling in love with, listening to “your” song, and simply taking in the moment.

10. Cleaning up dirty Depends is not the funnest thing to do on earth, but seeing the warm, contented smile of of your grandma snuggle dup in bed, with an “i love you, good night” makes it more than worth it.

9. Mani and pedis are still esential to a woman’s wellbeing. Even if you are flatbroke. It’s called priorities, people.

8. I have an unhealthy obsession with sugar free red bull.

7. My iPod is my life. No, really. The bajillion memories tucked away in everyone of those songs stored in that little device, help tell the story of my life.

6. I have no use for bitchy and backstabbing women. (Yes, I’m looking at you ex-evil coworker).

5. Nor men that lie and cheat.

4. It’s sad, but sometimes a person you thought was your best friend….well, you’ll change. And go you separate ways. And it will hurt like hell, because best friend breakups are worse than boyfriend breakups. But you will remember the good, and move on.

3. Xacto knives are GREAT for crafts and projects, i.e. making wedding placecard holders, however they hurt like a bitch when you slice your finger.

2. Facebook, MySpace, Texts, and phonecalls are are potential sources of humiliation and BAD DECISIONS while intoxicated.

1. My inner strength is stronger that I have ever thought possible. I have truly been tested this year, but I”m still standing. This year has made me, me….and I look forward to this next chapter of my life.

Oh, and my birthday present from y’all? Delurk yourselves, and comment damnit. You have no idea how much reading your comments means to me. And besides, I AM the birthday girl