open letters: the iPod & male edition (vol. I)

It’s never safe to put me in a car on a long drive, with my iPod on shuffle. We know this.

Really.

It’s just asking for all kinds of memories to be dug up. Happy. Sad. Angry. Euphoric. They run the whooooooole gamut. The memories take over my brain, flitting all about, as the melody swirls through the air.

It’s been awhile since I’ve done an “open letters” post, so i thought I’d combine the thoughts that ran through my head and my conclusions on the matters, with the songs that magically popped up on shuffle (leading me to said conclusions).

Conclusions and dedications, to the men in my life who have made their mark, in some way, shape or form.

A chronicle of my nostalgic journey. I’m including the lyrics so you may better understand if you’ve never heard some of these songs. And while lyrics are great, I urge you to look up some songs if you don’t know them.

Where “words fail, music speaks”… and so it seems, that’s the case here as well. I’m sure after my trek back to Boston today, there will be MORE letters crafted in my mind, but until then…

Welcome to my brain.

And my heart.

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Dear Blue Eyes,

Oh, how far we’ve come. The past year and half has been wrought with many, many, ups and downs. You have held me close and whispered sweet words of love, and you have rendered me speechless as I saw you shopping for groceries with another girl. Despite everything, you are a good man. And your have truly surprised me with the recent turn of events and how persistent you’ve been with keeping in touch, and wanting to be with me, and see me. Isn’t that how it always is though? You don’t realize what you have, until its gone. For awhile I thought you might be boyfriend material. I really did. But time and distance has matured me, and I realized, upon hearing this song? You were the first person who popped into my mind. While it’s sad to say you’ve been reduced to this song as a memory, it’s the truth. This is not a bitter realization, or one that, anymore, even makes me upset. It’s the truth. And looking back, without my rose colored glasses on, I’d like to thank you for being there for me in my life. Even if I realize only now the role you played. I will miss you when I’m gone.

xo,

b

There’s blood in my mouth ’cause I’ve been biting my tongue all week

I keep on talkin’ trash but I never say anything
And the talkin’ leads to touchin’
and the touchin’ leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And It’s bad news
Baby I’m bad news
I’m just bad news, bad news, bad news

I know I’m alone if I’m with or without you
but just bein’ around you offers me another form of relief
When the loneliness leads to bad dreams
and the bad dreams lead me to callin’ you
and I call you and say “C’MERE!”

And it’s bad news
Baby I’m bad news
I’m just bad news, bad news, bad news

‘Cause you’re just damage control
for a walking corpse like me – like you

‘Cause we’ll all be
Portions for foxes
Yeah we’ll all be
Portions for foxes

There’s a pretty young thing in front of you
and she’s real pretty and she’s real into you
and then she’s sleepin’ inside of you
and the talkin’ leads to touchin’
then touchin’ leads to sex
and then there is no mystery left

And it’s bad news
I don’t blame you
I do the same thing
I get lonely too

And you’re bad news
My friends tell me to leave you
That you’re bad news, bad news, bad news

That you’re bad news
Baby you’re bad news
and you’re bad news
I don’t care I like you
and you’re bad news
I don’t care I like you
I like you
-”Portions for Foxes,” Rilo Kiley

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Dear One that Got Away,

You were married three weekends ago, and are now back from your honeymoon. I know that it was a lovely wedding, and that you looked really happy. I know this because we still share the same friends, being that most of them were your groomsmen. I hope you made the right choice, I really do. I’m not going to lie, it still makes me cringe and…well….laugh (now), that you were with me the night you met her. Remember that? That was a good night. And morning. I’ll never forget the way you smiled at me as the rising sun highlighted glints of your hair. We made the bed together, as we had done it a thousand times before…and were going to make it together a thousand times in the future. But apparently, that was not to be. I truly hope you’re happy and she gives you a lifetime of joy. Because while you will be a husband to her…to me? You will always be the one that got away. And that is my own fault. Because I was the one that broke your heart. I was the one that ended things. Because timing was just not right for us. And that, is something I will have to live with. Every time our eyes meet in that second from across the bar. I know I made the right choice, but still. I sometimes wonder, “what if…”

Always,

bb

I wasn’t looking for a lifetime with you
And I never thought it would hurt just to hear
“I do” and “I do”
And I do a number on myself
And all that I thought to be
And you’ll be the one
That just left me undone
By my own, hesitation

and for the million hours that we were
well I’ll smile and remember it all
then I’ll turn and go
while your story’s completed mine is a long way from done.

Well I’m on a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high
I’d toast to the future but that’d be a lie
On a champagne high, high

Spring turned to summer
But then winter turned to mean
The distance seemed right
At the time it was best – to leave
And to leave behind
What I once thought was fine And so real – to me
And while I’m still gone
On the quest for my song
I’m at your – celebration

Your wagons been hitched to a star
Well now he’ll be your thing that’s new
Yeah what little I have you can borrow
‘Cause I’m old and I’m blue…

Well I’m on a champagne high (so high)
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high (so high)
Toast to the future but that’d be a lie
On a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high…high…
So high so high you left me undone
so high, so high you left me undone…
-”Champagne High,” Sister Hazel

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Dear bXY,

I hesitate writing this, as I know you sometimes happen to find your way over here. But, I made a promise to myself I wasn’t about to change my writing, simply because you were reading. I’ve already shared this song with you. In fact, as I drove to my weekend in Philly, it was the first time I associated it with you. Quite ironic, concerning the circumstances of which it was authored. It’s funny how time changes things, and you’re able to look back with a clearer understanding. Hindsight is always 20/20 so they say. In my case, it was you who saw this much before me; while we seemed wonderful on paper, and had an amazing connection when we actually did meet…it just wasn’t meant to be. It took me a little longer, but I now get it. You’re a great person. I’m a great person. But that doesn’t mean we have to be great together. What we shared was truly special, and I think you were a blessing to come into my life at the point you did. And perhaps, that is the only reason our paths crossed when they did. Sure it’s a bit sad to look back and say now that dirt path has become overgrown, and patches of grass have sprouted…blurring its ending point into a field….Now, here we stand, in a “no man’s land,” made by distance and bad timing.

Please know that our path together, while shorter than others, has made an indelible mark upon my life. And while this song no longer really applies to what I/you/we (maybe) feel/felt…it serves as a reminder. Of your presence. Despite the distance. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

xoxo,

bXX

i’m staying in with your ringtone again
phonecalls shouldn’t mean this much
but when it’s all that we have
just the sound of your laugh
can sometimes be as sweet as your touch

are you still wanting me there by your side?
can we talk away the distance between us tonight?

hold the line i just might make it through to you
hold the line, I’m closer than you know
and further than you need

now i’m left wondering why your words say one thing
and the tone of your voice something else
i know it’s not fair that i can’t be there
has it all finally caught up with us?

are you still wishing i was there by your side?
can we talk away the distance between us tonight?

hold the line i just might make it through to you
hold the line, I’m closer than you know
and further than you need

is it just the wrong time for a good situation?
is a long distance love just a trick of imagination?
tell me you want it so bad
then you won’t hang up the phone

hold the line i just might make it through to you
hold the line, I’m closer than you know
and further than you need…
- “Hold the Line,” Scarlet Kings

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Dear E,

My heart still skips a beat when I hear this song. While the song “Just to See You Smile” brings back tears of happy sadness, this song to me, will forever be “us.” I remember the night you sang it to me, as we danced in that country field beneath the starry night sky. You cupped my face in your hand, and told me that this was “our song.” And would be, no matter what. Like you wrote in my yearbook…before you left for college, and before Ken came along. “Boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but friendship is forever.” We still have a friendship, and though we don’t speak as often, when we do, it means something. It meant the world to me you told me before anyone else, that you were going to propose to your now wife. And I cried tears of JOY. Because that look in your eye…made my heart soar. Because I saw a best friend of mine, so, so happy.

This song will forever be ours…and it means the world to me you’ve kept that sacred, long past the shelving of our feelings and memories. I loved you then, and always will….although now, it has turned into a love for a very dear friend. But know it’s just as strong, if not more.

Love,

Your High School Sweetheart

It’s late in the evening; she’s wondering what clothes to wear.
She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
And then she asks me, “Do I look all right?”
And I say, “Yes, you look wonderful tonight.”

We go to a party and everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady that’s walking around with me.
And then she asks me, “Do you feel all right?”
And I say, “Yes, I feel wonderful tonight.”

I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes.
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don’t realize how much I love you.

It’s time to go home now and I’ve got an aching head,
So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed.
And then I tell her, as I turn out the light,
I say, “My darling, you were wonderful tonight.
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight.”
- “Wonderful Tonight,” Eric Clapton

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Dear Asshat,

I hate what you did to me. And I hate that I’m still reeling from the damage you made when you. broke. me. I don’t hate YOU, because that would require me to care. Which, you are not worthy of. So instead, I WILL blare this song. And be reminded of just how much you don’t matter to me, anymore. In the end.

Fuck you (and everyone who looks like you),

B.

(It starts with)
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know
time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It’s so unreal
Didn’t look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on / but didn’t even know
Wasted it all just to
Watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
One thing / I don’t know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try
Keep that in mind / I designed this rhyme
To remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I’m surprised it got so (far)
Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried / it all fell apart
What it meant to me / will eventually / be a memory / of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I’ve put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There’s only one thing you should know
I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Dear Ken,

It’s been over a year since you left me on the night of that wedding. Being home isn’t easy for me. While I can say I’m over you, seeing our old haunts and stomping grounds….well, just not easy. I wish that every time I see a car like yours, I didn’t do a double take. It’s so weird not to have you a part of my life now that we’re adults, because we WERE each other’s life in our teenage and young adult years. Funny how fate works out like that.

While we have many, many songs together. It’s this one…this one that still makes me stop dead in my tracks. I will never forget that DMB concert with you. I will never forget our graduation as this song played in my head. A glimpse into what the future had in store for us, I suppose. And most of all, I will never forget what we had…with the most important word in that sentence being: “had.”

Thank you for making me realize what I want and need from relationships. While I’m sad it had to end like it did, I know in my heart that the permanent space we’ve created between us, is for the best.

Always,

barbie

You cannot quit me so quickly
There’s no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like ‘Will it rain today?’
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we’re playing

We’re strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold…

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don’t take this ship down

The Space Between
Where you’re smiling high
Is where you’ll find me if I get to go
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I’ll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into…
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
‘Cause we’re walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here

The Space Between
What’s wrong and right
Is where you’ll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we’ll fill with time

- “The Space Between,” Dave Matthews Band

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Dear GreekMan,

I’m so afraid to speak of whats been developing between us, because I don’t want to jinx it. While we’ve known each other for the past five years, it is in this past month we’ve truly gotten to KNOW each other. I don’t know what is going to happen, or where this is going. But I do know that when I am with you, the world stops. I don’t know how you’ve managed to chip away at the walls I’ve built; the ones that have made me keep you at a distance for so many years.

Now that you’re in my life at the capacity you are, I don’t ever want you to not be.

Baby, I’m scared shitless about us. But in a good way. Because I have never been with someone who amazes me in the way you do…daily. Your patience, your intelligence, your genuine concern of my wellbeing, and the way you take care of me….all the while, giving me my independence I so desperately need in order to forge my own path. Thank you, for being stubborn in the fact that you refused to let me slip away.

Falling (even more) hopelessly for you,

bb

Closed off from love
I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you’re frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melted into the ground
Found something true
And everyone’s looking ’round
Thinking I’m going crazy

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing’s greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m going crazy
Maybe, maybe

But I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it’s draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don’t care what they say
I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

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To the Man whom I used to call “Daddy,”

I have written time and time again how I hate the fact I have “daddy issues.” So be it. I do. But that is because of YOUR actions. I washed my hands of you not too long ago, but just recently? What has happened pretty much sealed the deal on the fact that I don’t ever want to speak to you again. I hate the way you are a miserable human being. I hate the way you pick up and leave for weeks at a time spending time with your other family and by yourself in your make believe world, and come back home to relinquish your depression to those around you. I hate that you do not support me in my new career. I hate that you screamed at mi madre, about how I’m going to fail and YOU will have to be the one to pick up the pieces. I hate that you demanded that I pay you rent for being home for the past month, especially all the work I’ve done in place of YOU. I hate that you are terrible at being a father.

This song below might seem a little Freudian, because it’s really about a love relationship that is falling apart. However after really listening to it, I think that it can be looked at in a different light. It can be applied to ANY relationship. Even if the words become metaphorical in their transposition.

These words spoke to me, because its where I am right now with you. So.

Save your apologies. Save your bullshit. Because I’m done. Done with begging you to stay and be a part of my life. Done with hoping things could be the way they used to in the rare photographs of us looking genuinely happy. Done with begging for your love and you being proud of me.

I’m tired of fighting. I DON’T have the strength for you anymore. I’m going to sleep tonight.

Proud to be my “mother’s daughter,”

BB

Do you really believe you can get to me?
Knocking on my door incessantly
You know you don’t owe an apology

You’re just looking for a way to make it right
A pill to swallow and we fade to white
But I haven’t got the appetite
And don’t ask me why

I’m going to sleep tonight
‘Cause I don’t know what to do
I’m going to sleep tonight
I don’t have the strength for you
And if it’s a war you’d like,
You’re wasting your time
I’m going to sleep tonight

In the bedroom there’s a fading photograph
Of you and I back when we could laugh
Somehow we wound up on a different path

On the stereo is a song we know
She’s singing the words and a whistle blows
Is this really the way love’s supposed to go?
Nobody seems to know

Love don’t feel like it used to
And I don’t want to get used to knowing it this way
You know that I want you
But I don’t wanna keep pleading with you to stay

I’m going to sleep tonight
‘Cause I don’t know what to do
I’m going to sleep tonight
I don’t have the strength for you
And if it’s a war you’d like,
You’re wasting your time
I’m going to sleep tonight

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Dear Baby Boy B,

You are the love of my life. Seriously? This past month at home I’ve spent with you has been so, so good for us. While yes, I may yell at you for stealing and eating my underwear, and your penchant for getting into the garbage and playing with all things paper related you should NOT be playing with gets a little old after oh, the fifth time you’ve managed to get into it before 10am, when I see you look at me (as you cock your head and stare up at me with those eyes of yours), I simply melt.

I love that you’ve slept with me every night since I’ve been home. Snuggling up beside me, letting me hug you like a lil’ stuffed animal, and not to mention that whole you following me around everywhere I go thing. While yes, when you follow me into the bathroom, or when I take a shower, that’s a bit much, I know its because you love me and just can’t bear to be away from me for ONE single SECOND.

Oh, and while while we’re talking about things, I’m sorry punkin, but I still don’t speak “dog” and really can’t understand you, no matter how much you “talk” to me. It is precious though. So keep doing it. Especially because mi madre gets all jealous and is all “buuuut he doesn’t talk to me like that!” (Good boy.)

You are my main man, B. And I love you SO much for it. This one’s for you.

xoxo,

mommeh

This boy here wants to move too fast
He sees my future as having a past
Well, I don’t think so
I don’t think so

That boy there, well he’s playing a fool
He thinks he’s funny and he thinks he’s cool
We’ll I don’t think so
I don’t think so

Cheap date, bad taste, another night gone to waste
Talking about nothing in so many words
It’s not like I’m not trying
‘Cause I’ll give anyone a shot once

And, I , I close my eyes
And, I kiss that frog
Each time finding
The more boys I meet the more I love my dog

Here’s this guy, thinks he’s bad to the bone
He wants to pick me up and take me home
Well, I don’t think so
I don’t think so

Cage fights, PlayStation, X-Games, raider nation
Oversize pants with an ego to match
It’s not like I’m not trying
‘Cause I’ll give anyone a shot once

And, I , I close my eyes
And, I kiss that frog
Each time finding
The more boys I meet the more I love my dog

Why can’t they be like the one’s that mean everything to me
The one and loyal, open and friendly
It’s not like I’m not trying
‘Cause I’ll give anyone a shot once

I close my eyes
And, I kiss that frog
Each time finding
The more boys I meet the more I love my

I close my eyes
And, I kiss that frog
Each time finding
The more boys I meet the more I love my dog

The more I love my dog

 

the part where i share some texting.

It’s no secret that my bestest and I love to text. It’s safe to say that we are addicted to it beyond all reason.

Waiting for an appointment? Check. Driving 80mph and feel the need to share a random thought about a song on the radio? Check. Simply update each other on the inane (or RIDICULOUS) happenings of our day? Double check.

Yeah, its what we do.

She has no idea that I am sharing this conversation with you as I write this, but I think she’d totally be okay with it. Because really, its too hilarious NOT to share. I mean, seriously.

Actually, speaking of serious, I have made some major life decisions as of late that I will write about here, soon, but I’m just not quite ready to spill it all out quite yet. So instead, you get “texting with BB & CDP.”

I know. Luckiness. You haz it, readers.

CDP (In response to earlier text message about guidance/advice about aforementioned life decisions) : Total delayed response but will be more than happy to help with OH MY GOD A BIRD JUST SHAT ON ME

BB: Isn’t that supposed to be good luck or soemthing? Oh, and thank you bestest.

CDP: BB. A bird just opened its butt and kamikaze dropped his shit on my perfectly bronzed forearm. This is not good luck, muffin.

BB: I’m laughing too hard to respond.

…and this is why we are bestest-es. Happy hump day, folks.

 

::you could stand me up at the gates of hell, but i won’t back down…no i won’t back down::

Tonight, I get an early birthday present.

Floor seats.

VERY, VERY close to the stage. Like, somewhere between the 3rd and 15th row. (I can’t tell you my EXACT location now, can I??)

Yes, I have friends that clearly rock. Or, one, actually, in particular. My “big brother” who is responsible for many a fun time in Boston this past year. And long chats. And drunken debauchery. The same one who almost swore that he would clock Asshat when he found out about, oh, everything. The one who brought me orange juice and chicken noodle soup when I was sick. The guy who texted me the next morning inquiring about my meeting with bXY because he knew how excited/nervous/happy I was to FINALLY getting to be meeting him, and he was crossing his fingers for me that worked out and wanted to make sure that it did, in fact work out. The guy who let me bury my head in his shoulder and cry when I told him about my job/asshole dad/any other problem I’ve had in the entire universe, to which he reassured me that everything in fact, would work out in the end.

(And no, if any of you are wondering if there is any attraction between him and me, there is not. He is my “big brother” and that is IT, so don’t even raise the question, because the answer, my dear friends, is a resounding NO.)

He is the one who is from my hometown, and going to law school in Boston which is why we’ve gotten to be so close this year. He happens to be like this genius who has his PhD in Chemistry, and is now going into patent law because, um, he’s kinda the man. (Yes, this is the same “big brother” who also happens to be the Best Man to “my one that got away” (next weekend!), but you know, whatever. I think thats only a testament to just how fabulous I am, and despite that minor detail, we are STILL SO CLOSE.) So yes. He is one of my best guy friends ever. And he rocks. And is also forever promised to be on my team for Trivial Pursuit or Trivia night. (We balance each other out.)

Anyway. Where was I. Oh yes…concert!

Whaaaaat concert you ask?

Well, if you didn’t catch the subject title, I’ll give you another hint…something along the lines of this will be playing in my car as I make the long drive to Philly:

And I have been scouring the website, and pictures like this have been making me ANTSY for it to JUST BE 8PM ALREADY!!!

Okay, okay, So…yeah. I’m a little beyond excited. It’s my THIRD Petty show, and I CANNOT WAIT. That man knows how to rock out. I don’t care if he’s like fifty bajillion years old.

(SQUUUEEEEE!!!!! I GET TO SEE PETTTTTY!!!!!!!!)

Hope y’all have a great weekend…I know I will!!!! Smooches!

 

filling in. (for lawyer barbie)

You can find me over at my bestest’s place today.

So go read. You know…right after you finish up with my weekend recap multiple choice edition post that is below.

Smooches! Here’s to a great Tuesday! (And an awesome final interview today at 3pm. Cross your fingers for me folks!!!)

xo,

BB

 

multiple choice: weekend edition

Blogging Barbie is:

A. still reeling from her fantastic time in Columbus, with bestest friend in the whole entire world (AKA “other 1/2″) and Michelle, from going out, drinking and dancing up a storm AFTER having a kickass interview with a major company at its corporate headquarters (read: asked for a second round final interview on the spot.)

B. wondering if she reallllly should have sent those texts and left those voicemails. Le sigh.

C. remembering just how GOOD it is to be home and eating dinner, watching a movie and laughing and talking with the fam…with the puppeh curled up in my lap.

D. slightly less than humble concerning the fact that baby boy B sleeps with me every night, follows me around everywhere, and showers me with kisses nonstop. Even when the parentals get a teeeensy bit jealous of how MUCH HE LOVES HIS MOMMEH.

E. currently in a way introspective and emo state, questioning everything in her personal and professional life, thanks to a some old mixed CD’s dug out of her backseat, and a long drive on a gorgeous day.

F. wishing that her gut instinct was not giving her that nagging feeling of: “something is just not sitting quite right.”

G. listening to the song “Jesus Take the Wheel” on repeat. And praying she would just be okay with letting things take their course and turn out how they’re supposed to be. Even if that is a completely different idea than what she wants.

H. all of the above.

If you answered “H,” gold star for you. I’ll get that out to ya; as soon as I stop being so damn introspective and doubting everything and letting “the crazy” take hold of me completely.

Le. F*cking. Sigh.

 

so. many. things. happening.

OK, folks. Here we go, a la bullet points, because there is just TOO much stuff happening (good things!) and it’s Friday, and I’m about to run out the door for the temping gig I have. But, obviously I feel the need to share my MAJOR news. Because I HEART you all.

• I guess I didn’t really convey in my last post just how decided I am in the whole leaving-Boston-thing. Honestly, I’m about 95% sure right now. Columbus, Pittsburgh, NYC and Atlanta are all on my list. In that order.

• That being said, I will be in Columbus next Friday for an IN PERSON JOB INTERVIEW which I am pumped about. Fingers crossed, folks, fingers crossed.

• Whiiiiiich brings me to my next point. I’m going home on Thursday, and because the fates have been OH SO KIND to me/us, bXY is going to also be in PA. 45 minutes from my home. SO WE ARE MEETING NEXT THURSDAY. I’M GOING TO MEET WHOM SOME HAVE DUBBED “MY SOULMATE FROM ANOTHA STATE.” Oh. Em. F*ing. Gee. I’m beyond excited. Beyond. Butterflies. Flitting about. Smitten-ness, everywhere. (Yes, I totally just made that word up.) But so, so happy. (Yes, we’ve already talked about all these things listed above, and I’m 95% sure he’s reading. Hi honey! Less than a week! Yay!)

• Also exciting was that last night I joined up with Megabrooke, and saw three amazing acts in one concert. If you don’t know of April Smith, Ari Hest, and Ingrid Michaelson, you should. Trust. All three? Awesomeness. Total. Awesomeness.

• EDGAR IS DEAD. RIP, you bastard. No, seriously. It was actually quite the process. HotRoomie and I noticed a smell coming from our kitchen, and after RIPPING apart our kitchen, cleaning out EVERYTHING and what have you, we finally called the management people to come check it out, because we KNEW in our heart of hearts there was a dead animal. Somewhere. People, there was drilling. They had to rip off the baseboards of our kitchen. Sure enough, Edgar had passed onto mousey hell heaven. You’ll be happy to know though, that our kitchen is smelling fresh as a daisy once again, and all holes have been sealed so as to protect us from running a halfway home for mice in need. All together now: YAYYY.

• Remember this post? Particularly the one about one of my best guy friends making the biggest mistake of his life marrying this chick? He called me yesterday. The wedding is May 31st. It’s been “postponed.” Thank the Lord. I do feel terrible for him though, he’s really upset about it. But, we all know how things have a strange way of working themselves out. Keep him in your thoughts folks.

Okay….I think I’ve thoroughly managed to blow your minds with the amount of crap that has taken place in the past two days. Such is the life of BB. That being said…

Happy weekend, folks! Hope it’s a great one!!!

 

derailed: in more ways than one.

Riders are being bused this morning on the Green Line’s B branch while crews repair the damage from a trolley that jumped the tracks overnight and caught fire, an MBTA spokeswoman said.

The trolley had roughly 30 passengers on board at 1:30 a.m. when it derailed at Chestnut Hill station, hit a pole, and damaged overhead wires, said spokeswoman Lydia Rivera. None of the riders were hurt, but the crash caused some significant damage to the trolley and the track, Rivera said.

Crews are still working to remove the trolley from the intersection of Chestnut Hill and Commonwealth avenues, not far from Cleveland Circle. The overhead wires need to be fixed, and the repairs could affect the evening commute.

“It’s going to take some time,” Rivera said.

This horrible accident hit a little too close to home. Scratch that. WAY too close to home. As I texted my IBFF and soulsister this morning explaining the news (not to mention the fact I was GREATLY shaken up by this incident…it could have been ME on that train), she responded with a comment that really got me thinking about Boston.

I’ve truly loved Boston for the past three years. But in a way, I wonder if that derailed car is a metaphor for my life here, right now. As I drove to my interview this morning (don’t get excited, just a temp position), I watched that trolley car being dragged from the wreckage, its charred and broken remains, being pulled along as its tired wheels screamed in discord.

I can’t help but wonder…is that my relationship with this city?

I’m thinking that I might just need to be pulled to safety. Repaired and fixed…somewhere else. Because while the past three years has been good to me…

…I’m wondering if it might be time to take the hit, rebuild, and move on.

 

shattered pieces. everywhere…

I just drank a bottle of champagne.

In the shower.

And let my tears fall away into the stream of water.

*****************************************************

I was called into the conference room at roughly 11am. It was there, I was told exactly this:

“while you’ve done amazing things here at XXXXX, you’re aware that its a very unique environment and place to work…we’re kinda like a family…and after having some discussions, it’s been decided that we don’t think this is the best fit.”

That’s all she wrote, folks.

I don’t “fit.”

Out of the blue. I suppose private companies can do that.

I feel as if my identity has been shattered into a thousand pieces, and the ruins are strewn about, everywhere. The talk of the severance package, and the ability to apply for unemployment was mentioned, and the rest is a blur. They were oh so kind enough to give me time to remove things from my office, and I was able to walk out the door, UN-escorted, with my Xerox box full of possessions.

It’s a raw wound.

It hurts, and stings…and every minute that passes a little more salt is poured in…causing me to wince as I stumble about, trying to find my balance…my place.

So lost.

****************************************************

I’m still reeling…shell shocked…numb to the core. I’ve had my moments thus far, and I know there’s more to come; sobbing to the point of where you cannot catch your breath, gasps of air caught in your throat causing unhumanlike sounds…the throbbing pain in your temples from just being…cried out.

Emotionally hung out to dry.

****************************************************

I don’t know where I’m at. Or where I’m going. If I’m going to stay in Boston, or leave…

I just don’t know.

 

LONGEST POST EVER, a.k.a, your questions answered.

(*You best go run and get your coffee, and settle in bitches, because it’s a long one. Seriously. You might not see me ’round these here blog parts till Thursday because I wrote so much. And I am fatigued. And yes, that is pronounced: fah-tee-gu-ood.*)

Oh, lovelies. I’m here. I promise. Thanks so many of you who reached out and wondered if something was afoot in Barbieland. I’m happy to report that all is well, I’ve just been taking some “me time” on the long weekend.

You see, living in Boston? Patriots day is “Marathon Monday.” And its a HOLIDAY. As in: no work. So I spent this glorious day out in the 70something degree weather reading my book, taking care of errands (MY CAR DOOR IS FINALLLY FIXED PRAISE JEBUS!!!!!!!!), browsing through a local bookstore, and cheering on some runners for a few minutes. It’s days like these that I take a deep breath, take it all in, and just love where I’m at in my life right now.

And try to forget that even my car mechanic told me this afternoon that my car? My dear, sweet, old girl? “She’s getting old. You might want to seriously consider not putting anymore money into her and just bite the bullet and get a new car…and that’s my honest opinion.”

That’s right, even the man who TAKES MONEY FROM ME FOR FIXING MY CAR told me that she is on her last leg. I’m trying not to think about that right now. ANYWAY.

Oh, the questions! So many questions! (Dude. I loved it.) And some of you? Were NOT afraid to get right down to the root of things and ask some personal things. Honestly, y’all were in my thoughts this weekend. And your questions. Seriously. I’m all lazily reading my book in the park, or walking around, or curled up in my bed, and whats on my mind? YOUR QUESTIONS…AND ANSWERS to them. So, for that, I thank you for picking my brain and making me really think. It was such a great exercise for me, and couldn’t have done without you all. So, here you go…here are your answers to the things you’ve always wanted to know about BB.

Enjoy.

/….

La asks: When I move there, where is the first place you’re going to take me to have a good time?

Oh La. There are so many things that we could do, because I have a feeling that no matter WHAT we were doing, as long as we were together, it’d be a good time. For a night out on the town, I’d probably drag you down to Boylston street and hit up the likes of Lir, perhaps the Pour House (because really, it’s just…classic. And I think we’d have a damn good time there.) and then end the night at our local watering hole…Harry’s. Because we’ll be neighbors. And then we can stumble home. Together. Arm in arm.

Dreamgrrl asks: if you could do something wild, without consequences & unlimited funds, what would it be/where would you go?

I’d hop a plane to Australia. Travel around the country. Flirt with Hot Aussies. See the sites. Swim in the ocean. Absorb everything I could about their culture, and live it up. That’s where that whole UNLIMITED funds comes into play. Oh, and I would do this all by myself…and not really be in contact with anyone from my real life. For three weeks. I think that would be an awesome experience.

Kirbyann asks: Was it difficult to make the decision to cut your hair. I’m wanting to cut mine so badly but I’m scared to.

Honestly, I’ve had my hair cut short when I was in college, but yes…it definitely took me going to the hair dresser twice. She wouldn’t cut it the first time because she was all, “You’re not ready. No matter how good I make it look, you are not ready.” She was right. She did a little trim, and highlighted my hair. A month later I went back, and was all “CHOP IT OFF NOW BITCH.” Okay, so I wasn’t really like that. But I was all “BE GONE HAIR!”

I’m so glad I did…sometimes you just have to take the plunge…but only when the time is right for you. It also helped me to remind myself that it is only hair. It WILL grow back. Best of luck, let me know what you decide to do!!!

Michelle & the City asks: when are you coming to c-bus? Secondly, what’s your favorite color to paint your toenails?

Oh darling. I’m trying to get a trip planned there this summer. But, you’ll probably see me before then, in Erie. Visiting GreekMan

Also, favorite color for my toes? Winter time: Wicked by Essie; Summer: My Chihuahua Bites by OPI or Keys to my Karma by OPI. Currently.

Khaki584 asks: With all the things that have happened in your life thus far, do you have any regrets?

Yes. I regret all the times I forgot to send in a rebate forms. Seriously. Maybe then I’d have some extra cash.

For real though, a lot of stuff has happened to me this past year, and while I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy, I wouldn’t change it, or the way I handled it. I honestly believe that everything happens for a reason, and that I’ve had to deal with all of these occurrences so I will turn out to be the person God created me to be. While I recognize not all prescribe to that thought, its what I believe. Sometimes we just won’t learn until we go through it ourselves….the important thing though, is to learn from it.

Caitlyn in the Rye asks: out of all of the dates you’ve been on, what was your favorite first date and who was it with? And more importantly, what shoes did you wear?

Dude. This is HARD. Favorite first date? Eeek. There’s been a lot of them. I don’t know about first, but I can give you a date though that ranks in my top five, though. I was a sophomore and was dating a senior at the time. While Ken was my first LOVE, he…he was my first love. Of sorts. He taught me how to drive, took me under his wing, introduced me to thoughts and life and opened my eyes to the world. It was with him I drank at a party for the first time, and also the reason I will think of him, every New Years Eve (our anniversary.)

He is the one who sang to me “Just To See You Smile,” when I left him to be with Ken, the fall of my Junior year. To this day, it’s hard for me to listen to that song. But that’s another story entirely.

It was the summer before he left for college, and it was our last day/night together. We spent the afternoon hiking through the woods, and then he surprised me with a romantic dinner at his dock. There were rose petals everywhere, and candles lit. He took the boat for a ride up the river, and he played the mix tape he made me for me as we drifted in the water looking up at the stars in that June summer’s night sky. There are still songs from that tape I hear that takes me back to that night.

He’s now married, and just bought a house with his wife. We still keep in touch, and his family still sends me Christmas cards. They loved me…and I loved them. But…I honestly believe him and I met too soon. But I’m thankful for the time we shared.

Impossible Germany asks: I live in Boston as well and would like to know where you got your hair cut. I’m looking for a new place. I like your hair. Details please.

The pictures of the fabulous new ‘do are from when I got my hair chopped and highlighted at The Green Tangerine Salon in Burlington, MA by Heather. SHE IS AWESOME. If Burlington is too far out of your way (I stumbled upon it because it’s close to where I work and couldn’t make it into the city at times they were open.) If you don’t want to make the drive north, I HIGHLY recommend Suzi at Beaucage. When I worked downtown, thats where I went..it’s on Newbury St.

Both places will leave you floating on air you’ll be so thrilled with your mane…and honestly, prices aren’t as bad as some salons I’ve seen. Good luck!

Ann asks: Do you like like your roommate? You know, in *that* way

Ohhhh Ann. So many of you wondered about this. And I shall now clear the air. For all of you

At one point, I can truthfully say, yes. And he liked me too. We may have evenly drunkenly madeout/kissed because we HAD to clear the sexual tension in the air that was just too much to take. (We’re not proud of this, but it had to happen.) That was a year ago

Now? Honestly? We’re best friends, and there are things about him that I know I could never put up with in a relationship. While there are a couple things, the biggest is this: I really don’t like how his opinions are so sharply contrasted; it’s either black or white with him. There are no grey areas. And we all know how BB feels about the grey.

So, that is why we remain best friends, and he is my go to guy for all boy related advice. And I heart him as my roomie, even if his opinion sucks when it comes choosing which shoes to go with what outfit when we go out at night. But I suppose we can’t have it all. He does take out the garbage. And puts the toilet seat down. So really? Me thinks he’s a keeper. And a great FRIEND.

OhmyGoshi: Where did you get those fabulous red shoes?!

Okay people. Brace yourselves here. So, remember in my “all about BB” post I explained about garages sales blahblahblah. Well, when I was home, there is a cute little consignment shop that opened. Those shoes were brand new, never been worn, still had tags on them, ribbons wrapped up in tissue and plastic and were being sold for EIGHT DOLLARS. And happened to be my size. (7, in case you were wondering.)

Yes.

So, yeah. I took it as fate. A consignment shop. A sharp contrast to the Max & Cleo dress I wore from Jasmine Sola. Awesome. (Oh, for the record, the shoe brand is “Newport News,” but I don’t think they make them anymore.)

Elise: Okay, I may have asked you this before, but what is the best lipgloss ever? I’ve been on a major search, asking around all over the place, and this seems like something you would have good advice on. Also, which of the four major personality types are you?

Okay my darling. I take my lipgloss very, very seriously. As I have about 30 different kinds of the same shade. Just saying. Therefore, I declare myself an EXPERT on lipgloss. And this is what I’ve come up with.

While Nars’ “Orgasm” gloss has been my all time go to, it has been usurped. (I Know! The shock!) And this is my recommendation: Carol’s Daughter, Candy Paint Lip Gloss in “Grown & Sexy.”

Go buy it now. Trust.

You will adore it. ADORE. And a bonus? Carol’s Daughter donates a portion of its sales of Candy Paint lip gloss to the Lupus Foundation of America. So go. Look good, and feel good doing so.

LFar asks: who is somebody you are jealous of? what traits do you envy

Hmmmm. Jealous of. Well, I am tres jealous of my darling IBFF CiCi, and her ability to have an amazingly rockin’ body after having two delightful little short and loud people. My psuedo nephews WHOM I LOVE because we are truly soul sisters. For reals. She is also my Facebook wife. She’s hot, y’all. (Love you lady!)

(Oh yeah, her ability to write and be all intelligent and juggle all the things she does and what life has thrown her, is a close second. She does them all with beauty and grace, and is a source of inspiration for me, every day….but really, it’s the rockin’ bod that takes the cake. Let’s be serious now about our priorities here. Duh.)

Wee-H asks: Would you go out with Mr 95% if you had a lot of ‘fun’?

There’s absolutely no harm in dating someone, even if he doesn’t exactly “fit the bill” for what you think you are looking for. Honestly, just because you date him, doesn’t mean you have to marry him. If the other 5% never comes around, well, at least you know. And you had the experience and know more about what you’re looking for. If it does? AWESOME! Just think, you never would have had it if you didn’t take a chance. Like my mamma always told me, “the answer is no until you try.” Just remember though, that you need to know when to cut bait when/if its not working…or going anywhere.

Trigger asks: …favorite lip gloss?

See above. GO BUY NOW. You’ll thank me later. I even put a fresh coat on, in honor of this question and my love for it.

Valerie wants to know my thoughts on the age old debate: do you prefer smooth or crunchy peanut butter?

Creamy when it’s on celery topped with raisins and I make one of my fave childhood snacks in the world (ants on a log), crunchy when its on PB&Js.

What celebrity do you have an inappropriate crush on?

Maybe its because I just watched the Rock of Love 2 reunion show, but I’ve gotta say Brett Michaels.

Inapproriate? Yes.

Do I love him? Hell yes. Hiiiii-yoooooo.

glamouras152 asks: Would you ever consider not being an anonymous blogger?

OOOOHHH. This one took me a long time to answer. Truth? If a book deal came a knocking? Yes, I would think long and hard, and probably forgo the annonymity.

Since we all know that probably isn’t going to happen (even though I WISH IT WOULD) Maybe someday down the road I will, but for now…with the things I talk about, its easier for me to stay anonymous. Never say never, though.

Also, as a sidenote, I there are quite a few bloggers who know my identity; once I get to know you and we strike up a relationship, I sometimes open up and share who I am. In fact, that’s how I’ve made some AMAZING friends who have been there for me and understood when other simply could not.

However they’ve sworn secrecy to me, and we all know hell hath no fury like a pissed off Barbie, so they SHALL REMAIN MUM UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH. Ahem.

rs27 asks: What is you favorite blog with the word “beard” in it? Just asking. Oh, oh, bonus question. When Mattel made the Barbie dolls do you think Barbie was short for something? Like Barborriella?

You know, there’s this total stud, and I kinda have a bloggy crush on him. He has a totally awesome taste in music and he makes me laugh. Everyday. I hate that he lives alllll the way across the country, because well, I AM his Mrs. Steve Rudy, and the distance is hurting our relationship. I mean, it’s kinda hard for me to sit out on the front porch, and have him admire me from like, 3,000 miles away. So really, honey…lets work on that, shall we?

Also, history note: because I like to Wikipedia the shit out of everything, here is a history on Barbie. And because I love you all, here is her biography (which, apaprently, she has one. Awesome.)

Barbie’s full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. In a series of novels published by Random House in the 1960s, her parents’ names are given as George and Margaret Roberts from the fictional town of Willows, Wisconsin. Barbie has been said to attend Willows High School and Manhattan International High School in New York City, based on the real-life Stuyvesant High School. She has an on-off romantic relationship with her beau Ken (Ken Carson), who first appeared in 1961. Like Barbie, Ken shares his name with one of Ruth Handler’s children. A news release from Mattel in February 2004 announced that Barbie and Ken had decided to split up, but in February 2006 they were back together again.

No, You may not call me Millicent. Or Millie. Dude, wasn’t that the name of one of the three witches in Sleeping Beauty? Anyway, I digress. There you go. Now you know where Barbie’s namesake came from. (Although I can state for the record, that Ken and I DID NOT get back together February of 2006. Although I love that there was a press release about it.)

Andrea inquires: whatever happened to Nashville? do you all still talk?

Oh Nashville, my beloved Rockstar. Yes, we still talk, and yes we’re still really close. In fact, he called me yesterday. We’re kinda like Heather and Brett Michaels. Except for that whole I’m not a stripper thing, and he doesn’t’ have long blond hair. We are friends, with benefits, who genuinely love and care about each other.

Anyway.

Yes, we still talk, and he’s coming to visit this summer, which I’m looking forward to.

Magda asks: Why did you start blogging? Are those reasons the same as why you keep it up now?

I began blogging when I started working at the evil empire. I somehow stumbled upon Clink’s blog, and was all like, OH MY GOD SHE’S THE COOLEST I WANT TO BE HER. I emailed her, she (luckily) didn’t think I was a creeper, and the story of us is here.

I’ve always loved writing, and its always been an outlet for me. I write better than I talk. Expressing my feelings, anyway. So to answer your question, I began writing for me; the comments, friendships and support I’ve received as a result of it? That is an added bonus (WHICH I AM SO THANKFUL FOR.) I still write for me, and am amazed that people actually come back, day after day to read what I have to say. Really…I’m floored. But at the end of the day? Writing is cathartic process for me…and if I can help someone out there, who might be going through the same thing? I think that’s just awesome.

Jamie asks three things (!!!): What is your favorite outfit ever? If you could meet anyone alive or dead who would it be? Want to go shopping with me?

1. Favorite outfit ever: y’all are gonna laugh now. But its true. My alltime favorite outfit was one I wore back in the early nineties. I was like, ten, or something. Good lord, did I love that thing. What was it? Well, it was a white long sweater, with gold trim on the neckline and sleeves, and on the front had gold hearts on it. It was a sweater dress, and had white leggings to go with it. Mi Madre and I searched high and low for matching shoes, and I finally found THE PERFECT PAIR: gold sam & libby flats (with the bows).

Don’t even act like your not jealous. I was a FASHIONISTA, bitches.

OKAY. Fine. As of late, I really love my Paige Denim Jeans, with a totally bitchin pair of heels, and my flimsy, body hugging navy blue turtleneck from JCrew….paired with my diamond earrings. Simple, yes. Classic, yes. Totally me? Yes.

2. There are SO MANY people that I would love to met and pick their brains, but honestly the first person that came to mind was Jackie O. Seriously. I want to go shopping with her. I think it’d be so intersting to hear all of her tales from her travels as the first lady. And of course, dish with her, and get her REAL thoughts on that bitty, Marilyn. For reals, yo.

3. YES we can go shopping, tell me when and where, and I will be there. With bells on.

Z asks: What type of art (or “art” do you have on your walls? Photography, paintings by lesser known artists (or well known ones, who knows?), reproductions, cross-stitch, etc? And, if money were no object, what kind would you have?

Ooooh! Interesting question! Right now, I currently have a mix of things, in my family room I have two cool glass like mosaic things from Tarjhay that fits the room’s color scheme perfectly, as well as a framed watercolor I did in High School (it was featured in the art show. I iz artiste.)

In other rooms, there are collections of black and white photography, and I am currently awaiting a piece from the ever so talented Each. She’s talented, y’all. I also have my eye on this print….because I love it. And the entire collection. Pretty cool, huh?

And, if money were no object, I would love to fill my house with Impressionistic paintings. Real ones. I just love them. Oh, and I love black and white photography. I think its beautiful.

Caz asks: I’d like to know why you remain an anonymous blogger? I’m also somewhat anonymous but don’t really know why I’ve chosen to stay like that.

Honestly, right now I’m just not quite ready to put myself ALL out there. I think that being anonymous helps me to be so open, and unguarded about what I write. Its scary, opening up and putting all your innermost thoughts and feelings out there on THE INTERNET for anyone to read. Anymore though, I think I’ve become pseudo-anonymous. (Which is explained above).

My lovely Cici, IBFF, Facebook Wife and of the Tortious fame asks:

Dear Barbie, When I come to Boston this summer, will you pick me up at the airport? And, how will I know it’s you? Would you be willing to wait for me with a yellow rose clenched in your teeth? Love, tortious

Dear Tortious,

In addition to having a yellow rose clenched in my teeth, I will also be wearing a tshirt that has your picture on it, emblazoned with an “I HEART CDP” on the back.There may also quite possibly be an orchestra, as well as a cameraman to document the visit that is sure to be, epic.

Love,

Barbie

Franks asks: Do you like kittens? I think they’re the bestest thing.

Oh Frank. I’m so sorry, but I’m a dog person.

Though, I will agree though that kittehs are adorable, and for the record, this is one of my favorite sites.

BloggingKate asks: Are you getting paid to blog?? And if so, how did you get this gig??? I’d love to know

Le Sigh. No, I’m not getting paid to blog BUT I AM TOTES NOT AGAINST THIS IDEA SO IF YOU KNOW OF ANY OPPORTUNITIES I’M ALLLL FOR IT. Seriously, I love to write. And getting paid for writing? Dream. Come. True.

If anyone out there knows? Please inform me. Because really, the world needs more BB in its life. (YEP! That was for you, Mr. Anonymous commenter “you’re the most narcisistic person in the world.” You’re welcome.)

B2G asks: Who’s your celebrity girl-crush and why?

Mandy Moore. I thinks she’s awesome. Classy, intelligent, talented, and just seems like an all-around good person. Love. Her.

tipptalk asks: What is your favorite childhood memory?

There are two that immediately came to mind, so I’ll go with those: being curled up next to my mom, breathing in the sweet scent of her perfume as she read to me before I went to bed every night, and going to feed the ducks with my grandpa.

PiecesofMe has lots of questions! She asks: What is your “number?”; What is it about you that makes you so popular with the boys? Favorite book?

1. eight six seven five three ohhhhhh niiiiiinnnnne. Oh wait. That’s my girl Jenny.

…Unlisted. (Yes, I’m well aware of what you were really asking)

2. What is about me that makes me so popular with the boys? Hmmm, I’ll take that as a compliment. I really don’t know…I’m just…me. Maybe that’s it? My genuineness? And the fact I’m awesome, helps too, I suppose. (I know, my wit is just an added bonus to the awesomeness that is BB)

3. I’m going to go with: Where the Red Fern Grows, Atlas Shrugged, or the Giving Tree. All excellent books.

Tia asks: how famous is “the rockstar”? would we know him/his band? dying to know! (and Semichrmd adds: Tia totally stole my question about the rockstar, please do tell.)

He’s known, but not Bret Michaels known. Depending on the region you live, you might know of his band, and some of the music he’s produced you would DEFINITELY know. Feel free to email me, and I will point you in the direction of his AMAZING music. And send you to a show. You’ll like it. I promise. (Right, Pie?)

Also, what’s your favorite magazine (only because I am a total magazine freak!)

I adore In Style…and Mental Floss.

Searching for THE ONE asks: oh easy…favourite brand of shoes? and how many barbies did you have growing up?

Someday I will own a pair of Christian Louboutins.But for the day to day? BCBG pumps are great, and you can ALWAYS find a great pair of shoes at Nine West.

As for Barbies…ohhh there were a lot. Remember those cardboard underbed boxes they sold back in the day? I had three of them. All filled with Barbies. And accessories.

I think its safe to say, I liked Barbie.

heatherdc asks: Curious about two things: the ‘rockstar’ (of course, haha) and the *hot roomie*. questions have probably already been listed about both, but just throwin it out there!

Oh darling, you’re not the only one…hopefully I answered your questions above! xo, b

Jennie asks two things:: Will you ever give a full explanation of what happened between you and M/Asshat? I know he had some emotional/mental problems going on, and that it lead to some sort of infidelity. How did you find out? How did you break up with him?

2. Based on your experience with this, do you feel torn about having feelings for your roommate? I have been in both situations too…having a crush on someone who has a girlfriend, and being the girlfriend who is always worried about her boyfriend. How do you reconcile them?

Jennie, I’ll be honest, I struggled with the answer to this question. So badly I wanted to put it all out there, what he did to me…the real, full story of what happened, so women could learn from it. But knowing him, he’d find it and shit would hit the fan or something, because he is spiteful. And very, very sick. And I don’t ever want to have to hear from him or even look at him again, so suffice it to say this: Our entire relationship was lies; past marriage(s!!!) I never knew about, cheating, the online personal ad accounts, the craigslist postings and responses for explicit acts that are just too sickening to go on to here (and make me want to vomit) and now, looking back, makes me thankful for the lack of action that was going on in OUR bedroom (read: zilch).

He kept a side of him hidden…a dark, and twisted side…that makes me fear for any girl who gets tangled up in his manipulations and lies in the future. And he’s been doing it for so long, he’s become an expert at it. What he did to me, he had done to others before me; its a pattern, and unfortunately, from what I’ve seen/heard, he’s still following that pattern. If you really want the full story, I will email you and explain, but I just don’t think it right to air all the grimy details on the Internet. I hope you can understand.

As for your second question, the feelings that I have for my roomie are strictly those of friendship, which I’ve spoken out about, above. As for the other part to your question? I don’t really know. I think that each situation, like each person is different…and all one can do is use their best judgment.

Melanie asks: I’m coming to Boston this summer for the 3rd time. I’ve done a trolley tour to see the sights. I’ve been to a few bars in the Cambridge area. I’ve done some shopping downtown. If I only had time to do one really awesome/fun thing, what would you recommend? A particular bar? A touristy type attraction? A certain street for shopping? I’m coming for 3 days for a friend’s graduation so I’ve got 2 days to do some fun things with some gals.

One thing? Because good food is tres important, march your sweet ass down to the North End, and have dinner at a place called Lucia’s. It is amazing. Must. Go. There. Trust. ( I recommend splitting the Tricolore pasta dish. DIVINE.)

Katelin wants to know: are you coming to california any time soon? what is your favorite flower? and favorite song of right now?

Oh mai goodsnez! Lots of questions! As for Cali, it’s not currently in the plans, but I’ve never been to LA, and would love to go. Also, I was in San Fran when I was super little, but I have friends out there who have been trying to get me to visit and it’s high time I should. I jsut need to save up a bit (read: recover from the BAJILLION weddings I’ma ttneding) and that is definitely on my list of places to visit. Also, I’m totally not against starting a “Bring Barbie to Cali” fund. Just thought I’d throw that out there.

Favorite flower? Well, I hate the smell of flowers (I do.) butI do LOVE the look fo them. As for my favorite, I’m going to go with peonies. I think they are so pretty. And just so…happy.

Favorite song? Currently, and this could change at a moment’s notice, “Heavenly Day” by Patty Griffin.

poodlegoose asks: What songs are on the Rockstar’s cd? Have you said before? If so, sorry… but it intrigues me.

I have not said so before, explicitly, but I have cited some of his music. Email me, lady

bebcry asks: What are you going to name your future children? (and also adds: “And asshat is a fucker and you totally deserve to be where you’re at right now. You even got me all optimistic and shit. I just asked about babies.” which i thought needed to reitereated. crys? love. you.)

Oooooh! I love thinking about this. In no particular order, some names I like, off the top of my head…

Girls: ava, addison, ann, bria, brita, blaire, dagny (yes, after my fav woman herioine in atlas shrugged), emma, ella, ryan, peyton, grace, brooke, claire, harper, hadley, grier, quinn, tinsley (i know. I KNOW. but i like it for some reason!), macall

Boys: benjamin, benton, carter, parker, jackson (jack), maxwell (max), scott, grant, graham, wesley, davis, pierce, ryder, joshua, samson

Janice asks: where do you see yourself in 10 years?

In ten years, I’ll be turning 35. I see myself happy, with a loving husband, owning a house and raising a little family. Doing some event planning on the side, but being ht best wife, mother, friend and daughter I can be.

Cookie cutter? Perhaps….but its what I want. Then again, who knows what the future may hold. What is that they say? Want to make God laugh, make plans?

amanda asks: what color is your car? & if it could be any color, what would it be?

Its currently gold/beige…but I’m really digging a navy, or silver, depending on the car.

jenBun: I would like to know… who’s on your “List”– the ten (or whatever #) famous people with whom you get a “free pass” to do whatever your naught desires may dictate?

Ooooh. I like this question. Matthew McConnaughey, George Eads, Adrian Grenier, Tyrese, Mark Wahlberg, Ryan Reynolds, Boris Kodjoe…just to name a few.

flipsflopsintherain says: another long-time lurker, admiring your writing style — and also your motivation to post almost every day! how do you DO that??

I think I just have a lot to say, and want to get it out, so I can deal with whatever is on my mind, and move on. (Also, the irony of this statement is not lost on me, after having not posted in two days. But come o now, I’m usually pretty good about it.)

Whew! That was a lot about Barbie! Still with me? Gooood for you! Gold stars alll around!

Alright, I’ll be going now. (And yes, this post is totally worthy of like, two or three days of posts. So you might not be seeing me till like, Thursday. kthxbai.)

xo, bb

 

red high heels.

I took them out of my closet this morning.

I built my outfit around them.

This morning I needed the flash of boldness to keep me moving…each step forward, one farther away from the heap of rubble that is my emotions.

One step closer to being okay, led by the fiery confidence that abounds when I slip on those shoes.

When I walk, my head will be held high. And for the moment, I will not be the little girl…crumbling at the very core.

What I feel like on the inside.

With each step I take, I will be walking away from the flickering memories in my mind. Remnants from the past twenty four years, his selfishness finally winning. Leaving me powerless…with nothing left, other than my failed attempts wrought with the hopefulness and optimism of an innocent child.

His child.

Defeated.

Now, the dust has settled. The conflagrant passion in which I’ve fought has been extinguished; an icy indifference settling into my bones.

I am done.

I never wanted to be the girl with daddy issues…yet here I am. Standing amidst the ashes.

A barren ground, unfit for a foundation in which a relationship can be built.

I’ve paused for a moment of silence after the explosion that left me in a convulsing, sobbing, enfuriated state occured. But now…now I can turn, and softly walk away.

And I will wear my red high heels.

And when I walk, my head will be held high. And it will be with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. Because I am not your little girl.

Anymore.

/…..

After a while you learn

The subtle difference between

Holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn

That kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes ahead

With the grace of a woman

Not the grief of a child

And you learn

To build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow’s ground is

Too uncertain for plans

And futures have a way

Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden

And decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting

For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn

That you really can endure

That you are really strong

And you really do have worth

And you learn and you learn

With every good bye you learn.

~Veronica A. Shoffstall