Barbie has done and found herself a boyfriend.

That’s right. BB’s off the singles market. It’s okay, y’all can say it with me.

“Holy. Shit.”

Well, actually, if we’re going to be all correct about things, he actually found and pursued me. Like, the RIGHT way. The way women are supposed to be treated and courted.

The way I had totally forgotten existed because I’ve dealt with less than stellar boys in the past.

He’s just a genuinely, solid, NICE guy.

And there have been no red flags which I’ve been super sensitive to since this disaster* aka my last boyfriend. (OMG WAS IT REALLY TWO YEARS AGO?! WOW.)

So, yeah. We’re official and stuff. Like, FACEBOOK OFFICIAL. This is big time, peeps.

And with that I say, so commences “the crazy.” Yay for love and shit.

/…

*It’s been a long time since I read through that archive. While M hurt me in ways I did not think possible and then some, he did give me a gift in a very weird way. I think some of my best writing was done during this period of my life.

Oh debilitating-ly crushing emotional pain, you’re such a great muse.

Um, remember this?!

I so called it. A year ago. So much awesomeness. You go wit’ cha bad self, pink.

Things have been happening, yo! I’ll elaborate later, but a few juicy tidbits…

• I’ve found my calling in the nursing world.
• I will be a pediatrics nurse.
• It unexpectedly makes sense, to those that really know me.
• I met a boy.
• I deleted Guy aka hybrid hippie and teddybear from my phone- and finally let them go. This? is a REALLY big thing for me. I don’t delete people from my phone. Or let go of people so easily. Well, it hasn’t been easy, but I’m doing it. Go, BB!
• Mi madre and daddy-o both told me they were proud of me for riding “the good decision train.”
• Clearly, they will not be viewing the most recent pictures posted to facebook. Oops.
• Alright, must go. Off to be giddy about upcoming date with new boy. And a weekend in NYC with my girls. SQUUUEEEE!!!

More to come…

I’ve spent a lot of my recent time pretty much hiding under a rock these past couple weeks. Both on the internet, and in real life. I’ve had many, many friends reach out to me, because they’re worried and concerned being that I’m usually not so much of a quiet person. I usually get it out, over and move on. Well, i have been doing the latter, but more quietly, and on my own.

The truth?

It’s been good for me. I’m trying to delete the drama in my life for 2010.

I think, I’m finally growing up.

I realize that when I make choices now, I find myself asking, “is this what i want to do, or know i should do?” and more often than not, even though it wasn’t necessarily what i wanted to do, i made the right choice- the adult choice- and as my parents and i laughed and talked about over break, i’ve been riding the “good decision train.”

For the first time in a long time, i’m in a quieter phase, but more balanced and emotionally together than I have been in a long, long time. I have deleted people from my phone (shock! gasp! this is a HUGE thing!), and realized that i control whether or not i want people and their drama to spill over into my life.

and sometimes, the drama is not even their fault.

we need to realize, i think, that people can continue being friends, if they accept that people continually change.

personally, i’m going through my own metamorphosis right now which is maybe why i’m crafting this all introspective post. but its true. when i lay in bed at night, i think. about what i truly want to say…feel…and expect from myself and others. i’ve also realized that i cannot do this alone, and after experiencing a few tumultous months and what not, i realized that i need to be back on my meds.

i can’t explain to you the difference they have made in my life regarding the ability to cope. some may not agree with that choice, but for me, it has been life saving.

so, while only a few weeks in, 2010 has been a quietly good time for me. wonderful in the fact that i think, i may just in fact, be growing up emotionally; or at least, a few steps more in that direction than i have been in the past.

and while this may not be earthshattering news to anyone but me, i’m in a good place right now.  and to quote the great mary j. blige, “no more drama in my life” 2010 project, has begun.

Hi y’all.

First and foremost, I want to sincerely thank all of you who reached out to me with your supportive and kind thoughts and words. It truly meant a lot to me…this blogging community can be one amazing place, I tell ya. It was a rough Christmas, but like my mother said- we gave my grandpa the best gift we could- spending it with my grandmother.

And that’s enough about that.

I was going to write a recap of 2009, but in thinking through everything, 2009? Well, I’m kinda over you. Yes, there were good things you brought me (like nursing school!), but overall, there was some pretty shitty things that happened. And I don’t care to relive that here…I have my archives for that.

So, 2010?

I’m ready for you. I’m ready to be a better woman, and have a better year.

Let’s work together on this one, shall we?

Wishing everyone a safe and happy new year…Cheers!

My grandmother passed away this morning.

That is all I can bear to type.

I had to read this seemingly simple little story for a class discussion, and it really made me think.  So naturally, I wanted to share it here.

While it may initially seem a little silly in the way its written, or even dark talking about death and dying (especially during the holidays! Gasp!) I think that it actually is a happy story, and really gave me a different perspective on the little moments that make up our lives. The little moments that become especially meaningful around this holiday time.

We all experience loss in our lives, whether it be through death, a relationship, a job, etc…but the important thing to remember, is that what we’re experiencing is a natural process…and we will get through it.

So take a minute, have a read, and maybe you’ll have a little time of reflection like I did…a time that helped me appreciate the sun shining a little bit brighter today.

Or, maybe you’ll laugh at me for posting such a dumbass story about a leaf on my blog.

And to that I say: to each his own.

-b

/…

The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages

by Leo Buscalgia

Spring had passed. So had Summer. Freddie, the leaf, had grown large. His mid section was wide and strong, and his five extensions were firm and pointed. He had first appeared in Spring as a small sprout on a rather large branch near the top of a tall tree.

Freddie was surrounded by hundreds of other leaves just like himself, or so it seemed. Soon he discovered that no two leaves were alike, even though they were on the same tree. Alfred was the leaf next to him. Ben was the leaf on his right side, and Clare was the lovely leaf overhead. They had all grown up together. They had learned to dance in the Spring breezes, bask lazily in the Summer sun and wash off in the cooling rains.

But it was Daniel who was Freddie’s best friend. He was the largest leaf on the limb and seemed to have been there before anyone else. It appeared to Freddie that Daniel was also the wisest among them. It was Daniel who told them that they were part of a tree. It was Daniel who explained that they were growing in a public park. It was Daniel who told them that the tree had strong roots which were hidden in the ground below. He explained about the birds who came to sit on their branch and sing morning songs. He explained about the sun, the moon, the stars, and the seasons.

Freddie loved being a leaf. He loved his branch, his light leafy friends, his place high in the sky, the wind that jostled him about, the sun rays that warmed him, the moon that covered him with soft, white shadows. Summer had been especially nice. The long hot days felt good and the warm nights were peaceful and dreamy. There were many people in the park that Summer. They often came and sat under Freddie’s tree. Daniel told him that giving shade was part of his purpose.

“What’s a purpose?” Freddie had asked.

“A reason for being,” Daniel had answered. “To make things more pleasant for others is a reason for being. To make shade for old people who come to escape the heat of their homes is a reason for being. To provide a cool place for children to come and play. To fan with our leaves the picnickers who come to eat on checkered tablecloths. These are all the reasons for being.”

Freddie especially liked the old people. They sat so quietly on the cool grass and hardly ever moved. They talked in whispers of times past. The children were fun, too, even though they sometimes tore holes in the bark of the tree or carved their names into it. Still, it was fun to watch them move so fast and to laugh so much.

But Freddie’s Summer soon passed. It vanished on an October night. He had never felt it so cold. All the leaves shivered with the cold. They were coated with a thin layer of white which quickly melted and left them dew drenched and sparkling in the morning sun. Again, it was Daniel who explained that they had experienced their first frost, the sign that it was Fall and that Winter would come soon.

Almost at once, the whole tree, in fact, the whole park was transformed into a blaze of color. There was hardly a green leaf left. Alfred had turned a deep yellow. Ben had become a bright orange. Clare had become a blazing red, Daniel a deep purple and Freddie was red and gold and blue. How beautiful they all looked. Freddie and his friends had made their tree a rainbow.

“Why did we turn different colors,” Freddie asked, “when we are on the same tree?”

“Each of us is different. We have had different experiences. We have faced the sun differently. We have cast shade differently. Why should we not have different colors?” Daniel said matter-of-factly. Daniel told Freddie that this wonderful season was called Fall.

One day a very strange thing happened. The same breezes that, in the past, had made them dance began to push and pull at their stems, almost as if they were angry. This caused some of the leaves to be torn from their branches and swept up in the wind, tossed about and dropped softly to the ground. All the leaves became frightened.

“What’s happening?” they asked each other in whispers.

“It’s what happens in Fall,” Daniel told them. “It’s the time for leaves to change their home. Some people call it to die.”

“Will we all die?” Freddie asked.

“Yes,” Daniel answered. “Everything dies. No matter how big or small, how weak or strong. We first do our job. We experience the sun and the moon, the wind and the rain. We learn to dance and to laugh. Then we die.”

“I won’t die!” said Freddie with determination. “Will you, Daniel?”

“Yes,” answered Daniel, “when it’s my time.”

“When is that?” asked Freddie.

“No one knows for sure,” Daniel responded.

Freddie noticed that the other leaves continued to fall. He thought, “It must be their time.” He saw that some of the leaves lashed back at the wind before they fell, others simply let go and dropped quietly. Soon the tree was almost bare.

“I’m afraid to die,” Freddie told Daniel. “I don’t know what’s down there.”

“We all fear what we don’t know, Freddie. It’s natural,” Daniel reassured him. “Yet, you were not afraid when Summer became Fall. They were natural changes. Why should you be afraid of the season of death?”

“Does the tree die, too?” Freddie asked.

“Someday. But there is something stronger than the tree. It is Life. That lasts forever and we are all a part of Life.”

“Where will we go when we die?”

“No one knows for sure. That’s the great mystery!”

“Will we return in the Spring?”

“We may not, but Life will.”

“Then what has been the reason for all of this?” Freddie continued to question. “Why were we here at all if we only have to fall and die?”

Daniel answered in his matter-of-fact way, “It’s been about the sun and the moon. It’s been about happy times together. It’s been about the shade and the old people and the children. It’s been about colors in Fall. It’s been about seasons. Isn’t that enough?”

“That afternoon, in the golden light of dusk, Daniel let go. He fell effortlessly. He seemed to smile peacefully as he fell. “Goodbye for now, Freddie,” he said.

Then, Freddie was all alone, the only leaf on his branch. The first snow fell the following morning. It was soft, white, and gentle; but it was bitter cold. There was hardly any sun that day, and the day was very short. Freddie found himself losing his color, becoming brittle. It was constantly cold and the snow weighed heavily upon him.

At dawn the wind came that took Freddie from his branch. It didn’t hurt at all. He felt himself float quietly, gently and softly downward. As he fell, he saw the whole tree for the first time. How strong and firm it was! He was sure that it would live for a long time and he knew that he had been part of its life and made him proud.

Freddie landed on a clump of snow. It somehow felt soft and even warm. In this new position he was more comfortable than he had ever been. He closed his eyes and fell asleep. He did not know that Spring would follow Winter and that the snow would melt into water. He did not know that what appeared to be his useless dried self would join with the water and serve to make the tree stronger. Most of all, he did not know that there, asleep in the tree and the ground, were already plans for new leaves in the Spring.

Dear Facebook,

Please do not “suggest to me” that I need to “share the latest news” by “writing on”  my ex-boyfriend’s wall.

Really?

“…..”

With that one? You can go fuck yourself, Facebook.

Happy Holidays & may YOUR hurtful past come back to bite you in the ass,

B.

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it’s going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you’ve never met anyone
Who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you’ve ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you’ve connected.
I have the bravest heart that you’ve ever seen
And you’ve never met anyone
Who’s as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I’m ashamed
There’s not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I’m terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I’m ashamed
There’s not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I’m the funniest woman that you’ve ever known
I’m the dullest woman that you’ve ever known
I’m the most gorgeous woman that you’ve ever known
And you’ve never met anyone
Who is as everything as I am sometimes

(You see everything, you see every part)
And you’re still here
(You see all my light and you love my dark)
And you’re still here
(You dig everything of which I’m ashamed)
(There’s not anything to which you can’t relate)
And you’re still here…

~Everything, Alanis Morisette

*Warning: My dark and twisty, so not cut out for bright and shiny moments at this current time (aka the old days of Meredith Grey) are starring front and center in this post.

As ever, the holidays bring out the dark&twisty/scary&damaged in Barbie land, and this turkey day was no exception.

I’ve really been trying hard to keep myself in good spirits, and keep my head held high, but some days prove to be much, much more challenging than others. (You’ll see why, shortly.)

With a 5hr drive to and from, I had a lot of time to think. And damned if I don’t come up with really great ideas for posts during long drives. One problem: blackberrys and turkey day traffic are not conducive to good reads in blog land. So what did I decided to do?

Mini snippets! Like, turkey day leftovers! They might be a little cold, but they’re still good…right? RIGHT?! So, yeah. the following are bits and pieces of a smorgasbord of little moments (good and bad) that made up my holiday.

If you need me, I’ll be downing some spiked eggnog.

Not really, because I’m lactose intolerant. But we can pretend.

Gobble. Gobble. Cheers! Or something.

/…

1. I don’t care if you hate the Twilight movies. The two soundtracks hold some pretty damn good music. In fact, really good music. Espescially when you’re feeling all introspective about life and past relationships. That’s a dooozy! Just be sure you don’t start to break down crying right before a semi cuts you off. In fact, wait. It will immediately halt your tears as the fear of God will be quickly instilled in you.

But on that note, I would like to refer to the moment that put me in that state. Yes, it’s about Ken. And you thought a year later I’d be all over talking about him and what was and blahblahblah but guess what I’m not so GET OVER IT, okay? Ha. Irony. I has it.

Anyway. There is a moment in the new Twilight movie, New Moon, (AND DON’T WORRY THIS ISN’T A SPOILER SO CHILL), where after Edward breaks up with Bella, she falls into a deep depression. For as cheesy as some parts of the film can be, this is actually one of my favorite scenes. It chronicles the passing of months…September, October, November, (or along those lines) by having her sitting in a chair in her room, staring out the window. The camera circles around her, and every time it passes the window she is staring out of, a different season/month is portrayed. The seasons change, but she remains the same. Just…empty. The song that is playing during this specific scene literally almost made me jump out of my seat and say “BELLA I KNOW YOU CAN’T ACT, but RIGHT NOW YOU’RE DOING A HELL OF A JOB PORTRAYING WHAT I MYSELF HAVE FELT.” And then promptly almost started crying. Because that’s what everyone does during a Twilight movie.

Seriously though. This song, “Possibility” by Lykke Li, honestly made the scene.

I have felt the sheer emptiness of being a shell of a person. Hell, even now, I still have fleeting moments of that feeling. I have watched life move on while I hurt. And this song, brought that all back. It’s heartbreakingly beautiful. And if you haven’t listened to it already, do so. Never has a scene or song brought my feelings for the ending of Ken to light as much as that has. And while sad, it was also good…because the tears needed to flow in regards to him. They’d been held back too long. The lyrics? Glad you asked (although, the haunting piano melody is what really makes it):

There’s a possibility
There’s a possibility
All that I had was all I’m gonna get

All I wanted is gone with your stare
All I wanted is gone with your stare
So tell me when you hear my stop
You’re the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There’s a possibility I wouldn’t know

Know that when you leave
Know that when you leave
By blood about me you walk like a thief
By blood about me I fall when you leave
So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You’re the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There’s a possibility I wouldn’t know
So tell me when my sigh is over
You’re the reason why I’m closed
Tell me when you hear me falling
There’s a possibility it wouldn’t show

2. For the record, it has been over a year since I last spoke to him…last November. And like mi madre said after I broke down to her as that was the reason for the current state I was in because hello, it’s REALLLY hard to go home and have every single turn and landmark a constant reminder of my past, she wisely replied to me:

“B, there are some things in life we never get over…we just learn to deal with the hurt.”

I think she summed it up perfectly, right there.

3. My grandmother came home for the holiday from the nursing home for the afternoon. I fed her pureed turkey, and brushed the hair out of her face. And yes, I teared up when the only words she spoke the entire day, were to me. The words?

“I love you.”

4. I know, I know. ENOUGH with the CRYING already! I can’t help it. I’m emotional. Or, as mi madre says, maybe I shouldn’t have gone off the happy pills. HA. She’s so FUNNY!

5. The opposite of those words? Spoken by (of course) my father. On Thanksgiving day the man said to me, and I quote:  “It’s tough having you home. We just don’t fit together anymore as a family. And I just don’t understand you.” Happy Thanksgiving to you, too Daddy! Go f*ck yourself while you’re at it! Hugs!

6. Which leads me to the reason for the following conversation over dinner:

Mi Madre: B, it’s Thanksgiving. Why are we listening to John Mayer and his steel guitar. This is not light and happy.

B: Oh, glad you asked. I forgot my holiday music, and this is all I have. And actually, the steel guitar fits where I’m at perfectly. It’s dark and twisty. Kinda like me. You know, after having had Dad say what he did to me, and having a pretty shitty situation all around in my life right now, so yes.  The steel guitar is going to have to work. Unless, that is, that you’d rather listen to the Twilight soundtracks where I can REALLY go all dark and maudlin on your ass. Because that, is a total possibility, Mom.

Mi Madre: The steel guitar is fine. You’ve made your point.

B: Thankyou. I thought so.

Aaaaand scene.

6. I really, really love my dog. He is gigantically fat, but he is a happy littler psuedo person and loves me unconditionally. And that means a lot to me right now.

7. I danced and drank entirely too much with my best girlfriends from highschool and it was insanely worth it. I love them with all my heart and am so blessed to have them in my life.

8. Upon returning today I had clinical. Where as I was drawing up a med in the hallway with my instructor, I accidentally drew up too much. It was Insulin, by the way. And yes, I realize that it was completely and totally my mistake, and you can’t MAKE mistakes as a nurse because you have people’s lives in your hand. It’s unacceptable.

What was even more unacceptable though? Not  my instructor’s icy comment: “Congratulations. You have officially killed off your patient.” OK, I get it. That comment WILL run through my mind every single time I draw up a med for the rest of my career. And it was slightly abrasive and harsh, but it did the trick. What really, really bothered me? was the fact that you didn’t need to rip me a new one IN FRONT of another classmate, and tell me I needed to go to remediation and discuss intently why this was important. IN FRONT OF ANOTHER STUDENT. You know about HIPPA, woman…doesn’t the rules of grades/private teacher:student conversations also apply?

So, yes. Today, I came home feeling like a total failure. And I’m apparently what my mother as a kindergarten teacher would call: “a blue- grouper.” My instructor later apologized to me realizing what she had done in regards to talking to me privately, and stated this was not a negative thing, and would be looked at as me taking the initiative to better myself, but still.

I feel like a failure- to myself, and to the profession.

As an aside- I realize by putting the aforementioned out there, that it’s going to open up the floodgates for anon commenters. That in mind, please remember I’m accepting responsibility for my mistake, and not bitching about that. However, I’m not going to sit here on this blog and talk about how wonderful I am, and NEVER make a mistake, because that’s not true. And this blog has always been about honesty- past the plastic and the perfect.. And as much as it hurt my ego to type out that last paragraph? Is as much as it will help me in the future. To, you know, not officially kill off my patient. Learn from your mistakes, and move on, and all that jazz.

Fortunately an unfortunately, that’s the way clinical works. Hands on, means hands on. And hands on can hurt. Externally, and internally.

And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

9. And because we like to end with happy ’round these parts, I leave you with a picture of my baby boy sleeping soundly…

Welcome, December….and I sincerely hope you bring the spirit of happier holidays with you. So maybe, once again, I can sleep peacefully like this….without the help of Ambien.